1At around 4:30 PM Do Her Well summoned Eat My Pussy and Gingervitis and said, “Up! Lead these hashers away from me, you and your pack! Go, worship Hand Pump as you have requested. 2Take your Hepatitis Seeing Eye Dogs, and your Allahu Aqbarks, though they shall dash you into rocks for your folly, and go. Also, bless me.” She sneezed.
3And so Mouth Down South urged the people to hurry from work to the prelube. “Otherwise, we will all be sober!” 4And even Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy saw the wisdom in his words, and they took up their packs to the prelube, and then on to Eat My Pussy’s garage.
5And it was here that Reverse Schoolgirl begat Just James, and seeing this wonder, Masterbaster declared he would begat not one but two virgins, and so he did. All eyes looked away except for Just Tony’s.
6Hand Pump said to Eat My Pussy and Gingervitis, “These are the restrictions for trail:
Tell me which beer you want.
Don’t spend more than $50 on food.”
7And then he went to tap the keg.
Consecration of Chalk Talk
8And Eat My Pussy had them gather together in a circle in the desert to observe the rite of Chalk Talk.
9“Commemorate this day, this day when you have been brought out of the Castro, for—hey, hey Circle Jerk, I’m speaking here. Bring with you a tithe to pledge, and leave nothing behind you, because who knows if you’ll come back—yes, One Night Only, I’m talking to you. Hand Pump help you all.”
Crossing the Mountain
10And so Eat My Pussy led them, in a very broad sense, to the MUNI where they were to embark underneath the mountain. And so they rode, two by two, Brown Eye and Doucheicorn, Zippercised and Ru Ru Rimmin. 11But Do Her Well’s heart was hardened against them, and she wrote the wrong directions outside the MUNI station. 12But Foul Balls and My Little Porno prayed to Hand Pump for guidance, and so he delivered them back onto trail through a great rustling of the bushes.
The Claiming of the Mount
13Many miles already journeyed, the pack was growing restless. They were led west, and then north, and then back east again, eyes searching uneasily in the setting sun. 14Udder Moron claimed he saw the shape of Hand Pump in the shiggy, but it was just two squirrels humping. 15Fuck Buddy suggested that they just go back into Egypt—ahem, the Castro, and be done with it, and to be sure some hashers were tempted by her words. 16But Big Cock Chains found the way out of the wilderness, and there they saw the form of Cuming Mutha in the distance, and the pack had hope.
The Waters of Kite Hill
17They were wrong. Upon finding trail the pack discovered, to their chagrin, they had yet more time to spend wandering in the wilderness. Whorifist gnashed his teeth, and Primal Vagina fumbled for his mouth guard, but Dick Ass Mother Fucker had grabbed it in her distraction. 18Even Gobble My Ass cried out for relief, mouth parched and throat dry. Night had fallen, and not even Fucker had seen a drop of beer in two hours. 19Hand Pump said to Eat My Pussy and Gingervitis, “I hear the pack is grumbling, where is the sangria?”
20And so Eat My Pussy revealed to the kennel one thimbleful each of the sangria, and they supped on it with great thirst. The Perfect Woman took one thimble and from it managed to feed Wee Wee, Pole Her Bare, and Rent Whore.
21”This is bullshit,” Cirque du So Lame muttered. “We should have just stayed at the prelube.”
22“I’m hungry,” complained Slap a Bag of Dickz. Boner Malfunction nodded, and John Handcock took up the chant. “Orange food. Orange food. ORANGE FOOD!”
23“Are you going to let them treat me like this?” Eat My Pussy complained to Hand Pump.
24“Tell them to look in the grocery bags.” Hand Pump advised.
25And Crabs and Tricrapylete pulled them open so that the pack pounced on the contents. Muff Daddy nodded approvingly at the melee. Deadbeat escaped with one Frito from the group.
26And Millimeter Peter and Shaft quarreled with Eat My Pussy and said, “Get us beer to drink.”
27And Eat My Pussy pled to Hand Pump, “What am I to do? These people are ready to stone me.”
28But Hand Pump said, “Well it is your job as hare to pour the down downs. Also, tap the keg, and beer shall pour forth from it."
At Mount Sutro
29 Now Hand Pump came to Eat My Pussy and said, “This is what you will tell your kennel. You have seen what I have done for you. If you heed my words and listen to my restrictions, out of all kennels you will prosper and shine. Go and ask the pack for their thoughts.”
30And Eat My Pussy relayed the message to the pack, Fuck Norris nodding while swallowing some Cheetos, while I Cunt Hear You plugged in his other earbud. “Also,” Eat My Pussy added, “You must abstain from sexual relations for three days.”
31“That’s his hangup, not mine,” Hand Pump muttered in the background.
32And Eat My Pussy climbed up to the mount to receive Hand Pump’s bidding:
33“I am Hand Pump, your beermeister, who puts up with all of your bullshit:
I. Thou shalt have no other Monday trails before SFH3.
II. Trail shalt be run by the pack for approximately one hour, it shall not be two, or three, but at the very most one.
III. Thou shalt set trail no longer than forty furlongs unless it is an eagle.
IV. Trail shall be marked well in flour or white chalk. Blue is verboten.
V. Trail shalt not rely on verbal hints but on clear marks specified in chalk talk.
VI. Thou shalt provide to thy kennel a map available for the easily confused and simpleminded. If not, thou shalt sweep the trail.
VII. Thou shalt keep the pack together through appropriate incorporation of checks, backchecks, and falses.
VIII. Thou shalt provide start, prelube, and on after information in a timely fashion no less than one week before trail.
IX. Thou shalt not murder.
X. Thou shalt cease being ‘clever.’ I am HAND PUMP.”
34And so Roman Showers enscribed the words of Hand Pump on a stone tablet, and Buck Fucka carried it on his back off the mountain.
35“I’m here! I’m here!” Vagina Dentata careened into the garage, arms stretched out for a full cup of beer. In his haste, he crashed into Buck Fucka, the stone tablet sliding from its perch on his backside and landing with a crash onto the ground. 36It shattered into a million pieces, the words of Hand Pump forever gone from the kennel’s grasp.
37“Balls,” said Eat My Pussy.