SF Hash Trash
Hash #1186, January 23, 2006
How Did Everyone Enjoy “Getting on with your lives”?? Ha!
See what I mean? We named Just Elise Landing Strip, thus ending the long drawn-out search. The point of that was so that we could all get back to our lives, if you remember. Mission accomplished, right? Wrong. In true hash tradition, the pack invented another quest: to name someone Hershey Squirts. You laugh, but someone will be named Hershey Squirts. If you don’t have a name, just think, it could be you. Sure, it didn’t happen last week, and it may not happen next week. But it will happen. Possibly to someone who is reading this right now. And we will not rest until it does happen. Do I really mean the pack will do this? And do I mean that we will not rest until it happens? No, of course not. “The Pack”, in this case, is nothing more than a euphemism for Captain Organ. Captain Organ happens to be a euphemism for Captain O, Captain O for Scott, Scott for….well, you can see where I’m going with this. I’m talking about that fascinating subject having to do with the origin of words, sometimes referred to as etymology.
Interestingly, the word etymology originates from the latin word “etimal”, which means “I’ve got nothing fucking better to do at the moment”. It was convenient back in Socrates’ day to have nice words like that. You don’t hear about it often, but ocassionally even Plato might have had a “philosophy block” on a particularly bad day (I mean, one day you’re spouting perpetual flux and genuine existence, the next day – you got nothing….). Anyway, he might have been seen kickin’ it at the corner drug store looking a little depressed. Then, if Socrates came by, he’d be like, hey, Plato what’s up?
And Plato might say, “Ah, you know, I’m feeling a little etimal at the moment.” And there’d be a little wink between them (although Plato was once devastated after such a conversation when he overheard whispers from a rather wise commoner behind him, “Dude, I can’t believe it, Plato has nothing better to fucking do right now.”). Which brings me to my point. People who don’t have anything better to do tend to do things like look up the origin of the word “shit”. Although Oral Roberts contributed in very deep and meaningful ways to the riveting email thread, it was Cumin’ Mutha and Voyeur who drank for the cyber shitstorm that occurred this past week.
The word HASH has an interesting history, short for Hardly Any Smokin’ Hotties. But that obviously pre-dated the SFH3, and so Hoseblower and UltraHead took us straight to the heart of beautiful, the Moscone Rec Center at Bay and Laguna in the marina. In fact, we were SO beautiful that marina people were checkin’ us out. Yes, and part of the reason we’re so hot is that we’re out there workin it up and down
those hills. Week after week. Any ass worth having is worked for. That’s what the marina people were checkin’ out. Even marina resident and newbie Just Starla, a coworker of Slug’s, commented, “Damn you people are gorgeous!” OK, I lied. Her exact words were, “They’re dirty!” And their coworker Just Aaron agreed, which is why he’ll be back. But the marina people were totally checking us out. That much I know.
Hoseblower and UltraHead kept us hoppin, up and down the hills of russian hill and pacific heights, with a beer check that ended up on Hoseblower’s rooftop. Well, it’s not his exactly. And it doesn’t quite belong to the nice blonde lady who ripped us a new one for having a “party” on the roof without permission. But, the important thing is that she acted like it was hers. There was a lot of acting going on, come to think of it. First, Hoseblower acted like it was his by having the beer check there. Then, blonde neighbor lady acted like it was hers because she yelled at us to get off her roof. There was only one reasonable thing to do, and that was to call the owner of the building and have him settle it. Hoseblower was happy to get him on the phone, and this turned out to be a crucial turning point in the drama. “Mr. Hoseblower”, the owner replied after HB described the situation, “I cannot thank you enough for alerting me to this unfolding situation. You did the right thing by calling me. Hang on a sec while I check my calendar…….well, I would really love to get involved, but it appears that I’m all booked up for the evening not giving a rat’s ass. Sorry.”
But yes, a beautiful, clear night atop Hoseblower’s/rude blonde lady’s/Just Jessica’s/owner who doesn’t give a rat’s ass’ rooftop. Stunning views across the bay that, for a few minutes, superceded all the antics.
Then it’s right back to the antics….so I’m at the keg, Crabs is at the keg, and a couple of the youngsters are doing their usual bangup job of providing refreshing alcoholic beverages to the needy. I commented, “These kids are so cute.” To which Crabs added the following insightful observation, “Yeah, they’re great, and the best thing is that you don’t have to tip them because the whole thing is basically illegal.” At first I started to laugh. But then I got to thinking about it, all the implications, and, if I can be serious for a moment, I would just like to say that that comment became very upsetting to me, to say the least. Why, you ask? Am I worried about the legal issues? The reckless corruption of minors? No, it’s that I’ve been tipping them for the last year and a half! No wonder they snicker every time I do it.
Hoseblower drank a V8/down-down beer mix for his vegetable tendencies. Banana in Public and Cumin Mutha apparently had “a moment” in the elevator ride to the beer check, and drank accordingly. Where’s My Vagina and Just Rich drank because, very mysteriously, they were the only ones who *an by WMV’s apartment on the eagle trail. And they were the last ones to the beer check. Cum Guzzling Cockaholic drank for his chivalry towards Hand Job
for Humanity. Chivalry’s etymology: formed from 2 latin words that were later combined; “Chiv”, meaning “trying”, and “alry”, meaning “to get laid”.
Fucker and Fucker-wannabee Son of Shit drank because they were spotted driving their Porsches side by side in the castro. Tops down, shirtless, wind in their hair, smiling at each other. But their license plates are GRLS 4ME1 and GRLS 4ME2. Porsche owners are all the same. Always fucking with people. I’m serious. True story: SOS just bought his Porsche. After the deal was closed, the sales guy says to him, “Congratulations, here are your keys. By the way, enjoy your newfound propensity to fuck with people.” Just Gloria almost got named. Pocahumpus pointed out that JG said that she would prefer “not to have one of those ‘pussy’ names.” Pussy’s Pussy seemed appropriate, but it did not stick. Yet. But neither did Hershey Squirts, I’m happy to report. Because seriously, I hope it’s a while before I have to try and get on with my life again.
Muff Snatcher