Short and Sweet De-basement
July 30, 2007 I believe Scrum Muffin does some kind of marketing for Sports Basement
but initially I had some doubts. She promised a short *un and 20%
discounts and--I couldn’t believe it-- these both turned out to be true!
I then worried whether she understood the basic principle of marketing, that it's supposed to deceive.
Clearly her coworkers know this: for years, despite its chosen name, Sports Basement never had a store with
an actual basement.
My fears passed when it soon became obvious she knew what she was doing.
Not only did throngs of hashers show up to take advantage of the offer, but from there she manipulated the rest
of the night perfectly.
-
- The trail around Portrero was so short that we didn’t have enough time to work up a sweat which would make trying on clothes a little skeevy.
-
There was the artful use of the keg: it was available
before the start, and kept going a long while before the circle so it could work its magic and ensure the weakening
of people’s judgment and the maximum amount of purchasing. (Speaking
of which, anyone want to buy this off me? Seemed like a good idea
at the time: http://www.sportsbasement.com/jump.jsp?itemType=PRODUCT&itemID=10549&iMainCat=1423&iSubCat=1443)
When Scrummy finally had her way with us we were hustled out the door for down-downs. In keeping with the shortness of the *un, religion was also short because there wasn’t enough beer. (The keg died before we could start, and without any down-down beers, the indicted had to drink whatever remained in their cups.) The handful of crimes announced were as follows:
- Guzz was anointed the poster boy for Sports Basement for his stylish new running outfit, including new shoes. Seemed that he enthusiastically courted drinking out of them, including encouraging people to sing quicker so he could get down to it. Next time we run low on cups, I say he doesn’t get one.
- Prances with Wolves drank for the poison oak on the previous week’s trail. He had been afflicted himself, which I think is punishment enough already.
- Ball Handler got herself a new house and a new car. To complete this set, the pack shouted out for her to get a new set of another kind.
-
Muff Snatcher was chatting up runners at the
SF
- Rocky Mountain Oyster claimed that he had exercised everyday on vacation but could hardly finish the trail.
Finally, the hash’s shortest, sweetest member was brought up for her hashptism by proud parents Chamber Pot and Son of Shit. She will now be known as Shit or Get Off the Pot. Lucky for the child there was no beer left. Drinking out of baby booties would be pretty rough.
Just after crimes ended, resourceful hashers Handjob for Humanity and Joe Pubic Hair returned from the nearest market bearing Keystone and Bud Light. I wasn’t there to witness it, but I trust this move helped turn a short and sweet affair into something more recognizably hashlike: long and ugly.
On-on,
Huevos Verdes