The Perfect Fairy God-Woman adjusted his tutu. Usually he preferred street clothes for this godperson business, but Udder Moron had wished for tutus (‘Get it? It’s May Two-Two!’), and he could not be slacking on his duties, today of all days.
My Little Porno floated beside him in the air, face creased in worry. “There are so many wishes, and they all conflict! Miss Delivery wants a short trail, while Cuming Mutha wants to make everyone rerun the Ballbuster, for some weird reason. Vagina Dentata just wants everyone to be happy, and Do Her Well is only happy if Brown Eye is suffering. Half of them want to sleep with someone, but not just anyone, and the other half can’t remember if they did that already.”
Perfect Woman waved his hands. “There, free will. Now they have the opportunity to find happiness. But there’s something I have to talk to you about…”
“No, no, I have to be off, Bitch Pimp wants to pet the BEST DOG EVER, but so does Just Doesn’t Get It, and they’re on completely opposite sides of Coit Tower right now, and by definition there can only be one BEST DOG EVER. And Sir Menage A Lot really wants a margarita check… and so does Shaft… and so does Fuck Buddy…”
She disappeared in a puff of glitter.
The Perfect Fairy God-Woman sighed, resigned to put the boot on Boob Slap’s foot himself (who was he to judge people’s kinks?) when Mouth Down South appeared at his side.
“You look like you could use some help,” he pointed out.
“Yes!” sighed The Perfect Fairy God-Woman. “Hand Pump and Muff Daddy have both wished for a day off, and how could I not grant that after all the hard work they did for Bay 2 Blackout. Hand Pump even threatened to put in for retirement in 2031 instead of 2032.”
“The nerve!” Mouth Down South said sympathetically.
“He deserves whatever he asks for, frankly,” The Perfect Fairy God-Woman replied. “But Millimeter Peter is not nearly as hungover as Cockagami and Zippercised, and both of them are wishing fervently for him to catch up. So I thought I’d send No Shit his way, but someone needs to get the pack in from the margarita check before Eat My Pussy leads them straight up Coit Tower to fulfill all his fantasies.”
“Oh.” Mouth Down South thought for a moment. “Well, I hope you manage to find someone to lend a hand.” He wandered off.
“Ah!” The Perfect Fairy God-Woman snapped his fingers and a phone appeared.
“Oh, you found it!” Uncle Bad Touch cried out with delight. Massive Cock Check, standing next to him, looked around in confusion.
“The curse of the GMs is hereby broken!” The Perfect Fairy God-Woman declared.
“You’re a fairy godmother now,” Massive Cock Check nodded. “That makes more sense than me blackout-drunkenly flying from Australia.”
“Mind lending a hand?” The Perfect Fairy God-Woman looked over as the hashers continued to mill in confusion.
“Oh no, you should have gone for more useful GMs,” Uncle Bad Touch told him. “Sorry.”
The Perfect Fairy God-Woman frowned. He was going to have to pull out the big guns. He pointed his wand at Saigon Sally. “Designated hasher!” he commanded.
Saigon, driven now by some strange instinct, rustled up La Gingeracha and USS Cum On My Face, ushering the out-of-towners back towards the start. Like a relentless herding dog, he managed to sort out both ABBAA and Weekend at Abba’s, prevented Circle Jerk from running into Reverse Schoolgirl, and wiped Shit Eating Grin down before he got too excited by Big Cock Chains. He even managed to retrieve Minor 69er and company from the bar, convinced Crabs to help RA, and returned Cockarazzi to his usual Dick Simmons state.
“It’s a miracle!” My Little Porno watched as the pack was happily getting drunk. “Thank you, The Perfect Fairy God-Woman, it’s all I could have wanted.”
“Is it?” The Perfect Fairy God-Woman asked. “Because it’s your birthday, as well as Gondolarrhea’s… is there anything else your heart desires?”
“Oh, oh my,” My Little Porno’s eyes grew wide. “I think I would like… a spanking!”
“A spanking?” The Perfect Fairy God-Woman asked. “That’s… all? You realize that we are fairy godpeople. The sky’s the limit here…”
“You could ask to go to free concerts for life… with me,” Ska Skank suggested.
“You could ask for aquavit for life, for yourself and your friends…” Blowqueen suggested.
“What about a nice sailing trip around the world with your closest companions?” Just Louisa leaned in.
“No, no…” My Little Porno frowned. “It is my heart’s desire...”
“You could do a combo move,” The Perfect Fairy God-Woman suggested, voice strained. “Like a spanking, and a pony…”
“Gondolerrhea is my pony!” My Little Porno leapt on top of him, and they trotted around the circle. Dick Ass Mother Fucker went for a slap, as did Ru Ru Rimmin, but both darted back as the reins that had appeared on Gondolarrhea waved wildly in the air. Tears of Semen dove in the grab them, and LCB appeared, helpfully holding out some grass he’d pulled out of the park.
“Whatever it takes to make my co-godperson happy,” The Perfect Fairy God-Woman sighed in relief, and then he took the reins and led the group to the on after.