“Can you pour me some of that beer?”
Cousins Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy and My Little Porno have been staking out San Francisco, California, while they are on the hunt for their very own tiny trail to host. They’ve traveled through the Dogpatch and Noe Valley, and have seen several interesting places where they might settle in, but they’re looking for something just right for them. Today, Tonya Hardon is helping them tour Glen Park in the hopes that they’ll find the perfect spot to call their own, all within their $50 dollar budget of course.
“Well, our musts are some great views, and it has to be pet friendly or else Slap A Bag of Dickz will have a cow.”
“I thought he had a dog?” Gondalerrhea popped up beside My Little Porno.
Her eyes went wide. “This is a surprise! Shoo!” He disappeared into Glen Park Station.
“Well, I’d like to begin by taking you to this nice little start near the BART station. Easily navigable, even Raspukin will have no problem getting here,” Tonya Hardon gestured to the parking lot.
“What about the No Parking signs?” Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy frowned. “I’m not sure I can live with a start without decent parking.”
“Yes, that’s on our No list for sure.” My Little Porno chimed in.
“Well, what if I told you that the No Parking signs convert into Free Beer signs?” Tonya Hardon.
“They do?” both hares exclaimed.
“No, but what if I told you that?” Tonya Hardon tittered. “But for an extra $10,000 we can have Muff Daddy frighten the tow trucks and the miscreants away.”
“No,” My Little Porno sighed. “I like hanging out with Deadbeat, and it’s not in our budget.”
“Okay, well let’s continue. Close your eyes, and just imagine—all of your closest friends gathered together here, enjoying good conversation and good beer. Look—there’s Dick Ass Mother Fucker sharing some chips with Fuck Buddy. Oh, and he’s licking his fingers… and going back in for more. Look, look, over there that’s Do Her Well kicking a maxipad at Pepe Le Poop. Such fun. And over there, that’s One Night Only drinking half a pint and Cockamole drinking a quarter. Oooh, there’s Discuntled feeding Douchicorn some Oreos— is he allowed to have chocolate? Isn’t it poisonous for Douchicorns?”
“I’ve got to say you’ve got quite an imagination— ”
“No! Sister Fister, look out!” Tonya Hardon had her hands clenched with her eyes still closed. “Oh, Allahu Aqbark, your poor paw. And I think her foot is broken.”
After a brief interlude in which Tonya Hardon also relates an episode in which Cowlick and Shaft are found in the bushes with Just Doesn’t Get It… and some wasps… the trio continue to another area of the neighborhood.
“So what else comes with this trail?” asked Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy.
“Let me just show you this set of stairs over here to this loft.” Tonya Hardon perched a ladder precariously on the side of a cliff.
“This is such a great view!” Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy looked up towards the moon. “I can almost see Millimeter Peter!”
“Hey neighbor!” Captain Organ rolled up besides them. “Looking to move into the area?”
“Oh, Tonya Hardon was just showing us around.”
“How nice.” Captain Organ’s grin was a little menacing. “Wouldn’t want you to get into any trouble around here.” He nodded over to Fucker and Skid Mark, standing by the street corner and snapping their fingers menacingly. “Lots of HOAs in the area,” he added. Tricrapylete lit a citronella candle, while Got Wood carefully trimmed some hedges, and Wash This Asshole watered a succulent.
“Er, what was that?” Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy frowned.
“HOAs!” Roman Showers popped up besides him. “No big deal, you just have to take over the board quietly, have Hand Pump as your right hand man—they won’t even notice he doesn’t live there—and then enact whatever legislation you want. I got Backside Banger banned from our neighborhood once as an April Fool’s Prank!” She disappeared.
“Okay, moving on!” Tonya Hardon pulled them down the road. “Let me show you where they keep the bathroom in this place!” She pulled aside a bush, jumped back when she saw The Perfect Woman, looked for a long second, and then grinned widely. “Nevermind,” she said through her teeth. “Well, what do you think?”
Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy and My Little Porno have a big decision to make, and they’re short on time. With several visitors like Toys for Twats and Penis Fly Trap headed to the area, and transplants like Dim Suck about to give up on the hash altogether, they’ve got to make the call.
“Well, I did like the Dogpatch start, I don’t think it’s good enough for the hash. With Whorifist and Titty Boo Boo celebrating their birthdays, it’s got to be something special.” Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy was thumbing through some generic photographs artfully.
“But the Noe Valley start is almost too good—Buck Fucka would be bored, and if Handidicked or Dickgiorno really let loose the cops would be called for sure.”
“So we’re going with Glen Park?”
My Little Porno nodded. “We’re going with Glen Park. It has the drink check that Mouth Down South likes, the shiggy for Primal Vagina, and I’m sure Big Cock Chains can get at least one virgin to come.”
Two weeks later, and the hares are all settled into their trail. Sir Sponge Bob Splooge Pants and Just Valentina are sitting next to Miss Delivery and Cunty Butler, toasting to the night with pinkies raised. Twerxes Like Xerxes is trying her best to fit the hashshit into her new lunchbox, while Vagina Dentata is looking on jealously. Dickweed and I Cunt Hear You are toasting marshmallows by the fire in the trash can, while Pole Her Bare is describing her next glamping trip.
“Totally worth going $50,000 over budget,” Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy sighed.
“What!?” screeched Do Her Well.
Join us next week on Tiny Trail Hunters, featuring Millimeter Peter, where at least one thing is guaranteed to be small!