Hey, this is Just Tony here livestreaming the newest release of Hash House Harriers: San Francisco Edition. Thanks for joining me today, I’ve been really excited for this game to come out, I prepaid immediately after my buddy told me about it, so… uh, here we go.

*Sounds of clicking*

So, the character selection… seems sort of limited. That sucks, I was dying to play Hand Pump, and all I’ve got to choose between is a guy named Brown Eye and another dude named Dick Ass Mother Fucker.

Let’s see… special abilities… complaining, creating Facebook events, gay jokes…

So, choosing Dick Ass Mother Fucker… awesome ‘stache there. And he’s giving Free Mustache Rides, the ladies are lining up for him. Tonya Hardon’s signing up… her virgin Tobi. Dude Tobi. Okay.

Tabbing over to trail selection, H3 games are known to have quite the variety. There’s only one? Wait a minute. What do you mean, I need to pay Muff Daddy $7 to unlock the other trails?

Fine, fine, let’s get on with it. Chicken Bone Her and… what’s the tiny text say? Who’s Your Daddy?

So you can see we’re starting out in a dark parking lot. I heard sometimes there’s hidden treasure in the bushes, maybe I’ll poke around… holy christ, holy shit…

That was Titty Boo Boo. Motherfucker just came at me out of nowhere. I didn’t know the game had jump scares.

Huh, it seems you can direct the pack out just by calling out On On! Shit, I just got a beer chucked at me by Mouth Down South. Now dude’s stolen a taxi cab and is trying to run me over. On, on! On, on! Okay, all the other noobs are surrounding me. I’ve got Just Zach and Just Antony behind me, and Just Jesse… okay, he just ditched me, but with the two of them Mouth will never be able to figure out which one I am.

I’ve got to say the gameplay feels a little dull, all the FRBs keep ignoring me. Cuming Mutha is always going the wrong way, but somehow always winds up ahead of me, while Just Doesn’t Get It keeps going the wrong way and just winds up back at the start.

Oh gross, poop is all over my shoe, Oso! Oso!

What do you mean you were trying to tell us Tears of Semen is trapped behind a wall? You’re not fucking Lassie, and I’m not a scatologist.

Douchicorn, yell at Oso for me!

It feels a bit like we’re going around in circles, I keep turning away from this sketchy house but trail keeps pushing me back there. Fuck Norris is telling me it’s fine, but these cut sequences are not very reassuring, especially the one starring Good Shit Lollicock.

Weird, video quality just significantly dropped after leaving Who’s Your Daddy’s house. Things are getting very blurry. Gingervitis pushed me back onto trail back to the start. Blowqueen is patting me on the back, and Masterbaster is handing me another beer. I’m chatting with this dude Just Starchey, but I can’t even tell if he’s a virgin or visitor.

Hey, looks like we’re naming this chick Just Colleen…  let’s see… bio: political intern, pastry aficionado, brazen frosting thief…

Okay, okay… let me type… Damn autocorrect.  Kerry’s Cumcakes it is.

And now we’re celebrating Eat My Pussy leveling up in the game. How long did it take you grinding? What? Fifty years! No, I’m not just buying lootboxes until I get lucky, I don’t care if that worked for you, Shaft, I don’t want to get Whorifist’s underwear if the odds aren’t in my favor.

Hey, looks like I found a helpful NPC for once. Achievement unlocked! I’ve got access to a private area, come on, dick pics.

Hey, hey… why are you all logging off? Come back!

Fuck.