"So there's not gonna be any checks?" Do Her Well asked, looking askance. Worst Bottom Ever and Sperm Donor looked at each other and nodded slowly.
The clinic was nearly silent apart from Do Her Well's rather loud question and Shaft cracking his knuckles over in the waiting area. Queen was tapping a foot somewhat nervously, while One And Done was flipping through the pages of a National Geographic Futures magazine. All the pages were blank.
Backwash was trying to get Hand Pump to help her hang Halloween decorations up in the corner, but the skeleton was shaped suspiciously like Muff Daddy and the spider looked like it had been made from Cuming Mutha's mustache.
"We find it somewhat... unnecessary," Worst Bottom Ever answered.
"Ever since we instituted the Wash This Asshole protocol it's been redundant," Sperm Donor added. "Wee Wee's vouched for it and she's a medical-ly person. Dick Simmons has all the records you'd need, and he's somewhere... around here."
"This whole thing won't take very long, will it?" Do Her Well hesitated before signing the form in front of her.
"It took me just a few minutes," Tonya Hardon assured her.
"Over in sixty nine seconds," Dick First Ass Up nodded. "For her, I mean. Me? Well it was a tad longer."
"We don't like to pressure people with thoughts of 'time' or 'length,'" Sperm Donor answered. "People like Bierectional may need a bit longer to get things sorted than, say, Fix Her Up Her. We boast a high number of 'PRs' here-- Cum Test Dummy had one just the other day."
"Everyone we've talked to has been satisfied," Worst Bottom Ever assured her.
"And that everyone was My Little Spermaid," added Sperm Donor. "But still. Look at this group. Would Fixed Queer be coming to us after all those years if we didn't have satisfaction built into the process? Would Massive Cock Check be visiting us after his stint as CEO? Would She Came and Bang For Your Buck trust us sight unseen?"
"No, they've been here before," stage-whispered Who's Your Daddy. "I never forget a pair of... wonderful harriettes," he finished, as Chicken Bone Her walked by.
The door opened. The Uniballer went in. The door opened. Good Shit Lollicock came out. The door opened. Dick Ass Mother Fucker went in. The door opened. Can't Eat Pussy came out.
"Don't ask how it works, you just have to believe in the process," Worst Bottom Ever continued.
"Sometimes you have to go high, real high," Sperm Donor added in. "We'll bring you up like no place else can. You'll meet a Screaming Orgasm at the very crux of your experience and find Blackout on the way down. You should have seen Fucker and Cream Throat Willy when they crested the heights. The face on Eat My Pussy alone would have been enough to assure you of your satisfaction."
"Yes, but what if I'm not looking for something... earth-shattering," Do Her Well wondered.
"Well there is definitely an Orieanal Express route you can check out, but you can also be like Deadbeat and cut your own path." Sperm Donor looked a tad fatigued.
"Here, just look at this brochure," Worst Bottom Ever thrust a pamphlet into her hand. On the cover, Cosmopolitits was smiling broadly, while Dick Tracy's Pussy and Just Jim had written a glowing testimonial. On the back were the pictures of two founding members, Cockamole and Millimeter Peter, grinning broadly. As Do Her Well opened the pamplet, a slip of paper advertising CPA's new underwear line fell out, followed by a leaflet for Gingervitis's latest production and a request from Limbo Bimbo for clinical volunteers.
"Look, we have to go process Just Jeff, Just Judy, and Just Mikey," Worst Bottom Ever held up a hand. "If you are really interested, get in line behind Fuck Norris and Red Rocket. Dammit Janet can help you shortly, and if not we'll call in Muppet Dick and Tuna on Top.
"Hey guys?" Mouth Down South was holding a paper towel down over a blood and beer-soaked pooch.
"Holy shit, what happened?" Big Cock Chains jumped up from the couch, with Tears of Semen and Can't Rush Anal hurrying behind to help.
"A cougar attacked Just Leela-- in the Mission, for Christ's sake," Mouth said, shaking his head. "Could someone help me get to the vet?"
"We've seen worse," Worst Bottom Ever assured him. "Go right on back with PPE, and we'll have it fixed up in a jiffy."
"They really do service well here," 2 Hot 2 Trot whispered to Slug.
Slug nodded. "I know I probably make the worst sperm donor ever," she answered. "But I'll keep taking my 69 bucks until they figure that one out."