It was in April that the trail of the Parks and Rec Appreciation grew near, but the people were rallying to call it the Hand Pump Appreciation trail. But Mismanagement was convening on how to discredit Hand Pump, for they feared the pack. It was then that Ser Titty Boo Boo talked to Do Her Well, who was one of Hand Pump’s apostles. They went away and conferred with Cunty Butler on how they might betray him. And they were glad, and agreed to give Do Her Well flour, so she might seek an opportunity to betray him in the absence of the pack.
Then came the day of the Parks and Rec Hash, on which the virgins had to be sacrificed. So Hand Pump sent Muff Daddy and Backside Banger, saying, “Go, and collect the Hash Cash and prepare the beer check for us, that we may celebrate.” They said to him, “Where will you have us prepare it?” He said to them, “Behold, when you have entered Golden Gate Park, Just Licia and Just Parke will meet you. Follow them into the Dahlia Dell, where you will find a group of half minds gathered, with Udder Moron to lead them. Tell Udder Moron, ‘Hand Pump says to you, “Where is the beer check, where I may drink IPAs with my disciples?” And he will show you where trail goes, prepare it there.” Hand Pump looked at their faces. “Here’s a map, too.” And so they prepared the beer check.
And when the hour came, Hand Pump stood before chalk talk, the pack with him. And he said to them, “I have earnestly desired to set this trail live for you. For I tell you, I will not set it until all is explained to the virgins. And he took a bag of chalk and said, “Take this, and divide it among yourselves. For I tell you that I will not lay a mark until 15 minutes before the pack sets off.” And he took flour, and when even Good Shit was paying attention, he set a mark down saying, “Hare off that way. Also, the one that will betray me is amongst your number.”
Meanwhile, a dispute rose amongst the pack as to who of them was the greatest. Brown Eye proclaimed himself as the one best regarded in general worldwide, while John Handcock declared he could sniff trail out like a cat in heat. Dildo Baggins identified himself as winner for simply choosing to go directly to the beer check like the genius he was. Bi-erectional counter-argued by writing out “Best” on the ground but got bored halfway through.
Hand Pump stopped in his paces. “I tell you,” He said. “He who comes last shall come first in my kingdom.” Miss Delivery stood proudly, “I always let all the other hashers come before me,” and a number of them nodded because they knew it was true.
Hand Pump continued, “Dick Simmons, Do Her Well will try to lead you astray, but I have prayed to you that you will turn to true trail once again.” And Just Doesn’t Get It said, “Hand Pump, I will stay with you on trail,” and Hand Pump said, “Certainly, you shall crow at least three times that you know me.”
And Hand Pump said to them, “When we gathered in this spot, did Fuck Buddy lack a T-Shirt?” And they said “No.” He said to them, “But now she has another one, because Deadbeat bought her one that says ‘Fuck Buddy’ and it is good. And did Just Adam lack a hobo blanket?” And they said, “Yes,” and Hand Pump said, “But now he shall find one, and wrap himself up in it, and he shall be Hobosexual, and it is enough.” He looked at them. “Now I really must be off.”
“But wait!” cried Do Her Well. “A hare’s blessing!” And so the pack gathered to bless Hand Pump in the Dahlia Dell, and Hand Pump knelt down and prayed. “One Night Only, if you are willing, remove this flour bag from me. Nevertheless, not my trail, but the park’s be done.” And there appeared before him the sight of Tears of Semen, strengthening him.
And the time for the pack to be off drew nearer, and Do Her Well threw flour on Hand Pump so that the pack might identify him in the darkness. “Do Her Well, would you betray Hand Pump with your flour?” asked Ru Ru Rimmin in shock. And Jack The Ripper shouted, “Shall we strike with the sword?” But Hand Pump said “No more of this!” and took off into the fading light.
The trail seized the pack and led them away, bringing them over hill and dell and through the AIDS Grove, with Ticky Dicky following at a distance. And when Millimeter Peter looked over and said, “Doesn’t it say no dogs allowed?” Ticky Dicky replied, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.” Douchicorn looked around. “Was my dog talking?” So Ticky Dicky repeated it a second and then a third time, and as he was speaking Cockamole crowed in delight.
And so as they went they mocked Hand Pump, “Messiah, you’ve laid three falses off of one check? Lay another one!” and “You think you can fool us with a backcheck, try again!” And they said many other things against him as they ran.
And Titty Boo Boo came and stood before Hand Pump on trail. “If you are the layer of trail, tell us!” Cunty Butler stood at his right hand, as Hand Pump dribbled flour before them. And Hand Pump replied, “You say that I am,” with Backwash and Dick Ass Mother Fucker as witnesses. Titty Boo Boo shrugged. “What else do we need to hear?” And Six Tits a Week and Sleazy both agreed.
So they brought Hand Pump back to the circle and began to accuse him, saying “This trail was utter shit,” and “I didn’t even dance for joy during it,” although Tonya Hardon and Just Caitlyn looked away when they said this. And Cirque du So Lame asked him, “Are you the best hare of SFH3?” and Hand Pump answered, “You have said so.” Tuna on Top shrugged. “What’s the crime?” But the pack was urgent saying, “Hand Pump stirs the hashers up, making workdays all through San Francisco, even to this place in Golden Gate Park.”
And so Tuna on Top brought Hand Pump up for another down down, with Pole Her Bare as a criminal beside him. And there followed behind them many of the pack, On All Fours and Cuming Mutha mourning and lamenting for Hand Pump. But Hand Pump turned to them and said, “Do not weep for me, but weep for the keg and for the jockey box. For the hour is coming that it shall be barren, and not even Millimeter Peter shall squeeze a drop from it. And Shaft will say to the mountains, “Fall on us,” and Wee Wee shall say to the shiggy, “Cover us,” for if the pack does this when the keg is full, what will happen when it is dry?”
Just Get It Over With thought for a moment, “Go to the bar?”
And Hand Pump looked at Just Parke and Just Licia who were sacrificied beside him. “Truly I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise.”
It was now that the trash was getting really long, and the writer’s heart failed. And Hand Pump called out weakly, “Annie O’Keefe’s it is into your hands that I commit to spirits!” And so Cirque du So Lame and Rent Whore escorted him to the bar, Vagina Dentata wiping the sweat from his brow.
It was there that after the third strong drink Roman Showers witnessed the miracle of Hand Pump rising as if from the dead, and she called Buck Fucka and Fuck Norris over to see the good news. And so they shouted to the rooftops, to Cowlick, who told Bloody Good Head, who told the whole kennel, that Hand Pump had risen, and he had risen indeed.
And the hash was good.