Once upon a time there were a police officer who lived in the Presidio Woods. The woodland creatures all tried to avoid the police officer, who sometimes was grumpy in the winters and smelled too much like old coffee. And so for many years, even Hand Pump knew to flee from his presence for fear of the overly onerous paperwork that the officer would dollop out like butter on biscuits.
But not even fear of the officer’s little baton could deter the gathering on one fine and clear evening. Cuming Mutha had brought his family, On All Fours and Cox Box, and his good friend Shaft, to lead the group on a wild traipse through the forest. Screaming Orgasm could barely keep her excitement contained, while Cosmopolitits washed her shoes with care before departing to meet them. Fucker and Udder Moron found themselves clasping each other in greeting after several weeks apart, while Skidmark and Tricrapylete took the opportunity to introduce some new friends to the pack.
Before long, the group was off, running though the forests, Bitch’s Bitch leaping from log to log, while Hello Titties steadily stuck to the paths. Deadbeat and Dick Simmons took in the beautiful vistas, while Limbo Bimbo was kept busy by watching for any and all low hanging branches. One Night Only, despite her usual nocturnal nature, was still wiping the sleep from her eyes even halfway through trail after a couple of unusually late nights. Luckily for her, she only had to follow the odor of Pepe Le Poop to find the pack.
John Handcock, despite being a hound dog to the core, felt the spirit of the hare overwhelm him, and he led Master Debater, Can’t Eat Pussy, and Bierectional far astray as a siren would call sailors into the shoals at sea. But luckily, Gloryhole and Do Her Well found the way for the pack, and even Dick Ass’s squeamish regard to moist tunnels of love couldn’t deter him from the beer.
But little did the group know that a disturbance had stirred in the woodlands, and the policeman’s ire had been aroused by an outside force. He sniffed and he snuffed, and he felt that he could track his target down. And so it was that one by one, some of the pack was collared.
“Aha!” he said, jumping onto the back of Five Angry Inches and Cream Throat Willy, who were cutting into a fence by Fort Point. He shown a light into their faces as they held up their hands, dropping the bolt cutters.
“Oh no, on your way,” he said with chagrin. “You’re much too white for me.”
They nodded, grinned tremulously, and were off into the night, out of sight within minutes and harassing Muff Daddy to give a suspicious stranger a lift within the hour.
The officer went on. Wash This Asshole raised his cap to the man, while Bitch’s Bitch barely managed to keep his face calm, but neither of them were what he was looking for.
“Aha!” said the officer once more, shining his light on Cream Chugger and Stinky Floss. “What have we here?” Stinky Floss carefully stashed her emergency shiv, while Cream Chugger barely restrained her pooch from making the police dog a new mama.
“Oh, no, on your way.” He said, lowering his light. “You’re much too female for me.”
They nodded, grinned tremulously, then skulked off to continue planning their Ocean’s Eight style break-in at Lucas Arts with Bush and A Rack, Fuck Norris, Cum Test Dummy, Fuck Buddy, and Just Get It Over With. Just Get It Over With was down to pounding a drink in thirty seconds, and they were going to have to get it under twenty for the plan to work.
The officer went on his way, passing Masterbaster and Vagina Dentata with no remark, and just a slight nod for Just Will, Just Joel, Millimeter Peter, and Bloqueen.
“Aha!” said the officer a third time, collaring Banana In Public. Taking in his gender and skin color, he nodded with satisfaction. “Just right. I’ll be taking you with me!”
“What did I do?” Banana said, scared that soon the officer might request a Banana in Private as well. “This is a free woods.”
“Well, it’s certainly freer now that I’ve collared you rascal!” Already the officer was writing himself his congratulatory memo in his mind.
“Excuse me officer!” Whorizon emerged from the darkness. “What exactly did he do?”
“Ah. Ah. Well. You see…” He was overwhelmed by her blond braids and her womanly womanness.
“I’ll get you a civil rights violation!” She sniffed. “And your little dog, too!”
With that, the officer was vanquished into the night and Banana was free. Good Shit and Dick Ass breathed a sigh of relief, and emerged from the bushes, while Backside Banger poured Banana an emotional support beer. And once more the creatures were free to frolick, but with heavier hearts than they had started the night with.
And Wee Wee ran all the way home.