"Oh my!" Said Cockamole. "One minute I was on Kansas Street, and the next I was whisked away by Lyft and now I don't know where I am!"
"Woof!" Vagina Dentata barked.
"Oh, Toto, whatever shall we do?" wondered Cockamole.
"Woof!" said Vagina Dentata, pointing helpfully at a pile of white powder.
"I don't think you should sniff that," Cockamole advised, looking around in the darkness.
"Hello Dorothy," Backwash waved.
"Actually, it's Cockamole."
"Whatever. Do you want to find the beer?" Backwash asked.
"I want to get home... can you help?"
"Close enough!" Backwash waved a gloved hand. "I'm the good Batwitch of the north! And if you want to get the beer... I mean, home... you should follow those blobs of flour. These Munchkins can tell you more!"
"Hey... I resemble that remark!" Cosmopolitits protested, while Muff Daddy waved gleefully. "Right, just go where these things go, and you'll eventually come to the Emerald Beer Check, where you'll meet the Great Crabs himself."
Backwash nodded. "Now I must be off, but beware of the bad bitch, Do Her Well."
"Oh? What should I look out for?" Cockamole asked.
"Not her," Backwash answered and disappeared with a click.
They continued on past several more blobs of flour, each getting fainter in the darkness. Cockamole shivered, leaping in fear when a shiny metal can moved as if by itself deep within the alleyway.
"Ah! Ouch! Oh nuts, I am sore." Can't Rush Anal squeaked. "Do you have any lube?"
"Um, I'm all out."
"No worries, I got you there," Good Shit Lollicock appeared from behind them. "I loaned it to Cum Guzzling Cockaholic earlier, just wipe away the excess."
"What a relief," said Can't Rush Anal. "I asked One and Done, Can't Eat Pussy, AND One Night Only, and all of them were plum out. Now, do you have any hearts around?"
"Um," Cockamole exchanged a glance with Good Shit. "No, I mean, I'm all out."
"I'd take a liver in a pinch, you know." Can't Rush Anal added. "Can't be picky these days."
"No, but I'm going to see the Great Crabs... maybe he can help you find a heart?"
"Yes, but Cosmic Pussy's dog is dressed as a taco, and Red Hot Vagina's has cute rainbow ears... so I'll just stick to the bar crawl. Peace!" Can't Rush Anal wandered off, Good Shit Lollicock trailing after her.
"Well, I guess we're on our own again," Cockamole sighed, and she and Vagina Dentata set off into the night once more. Silently they continued, moving through alleyways and ducking around corners until they stopped at a faint sobbing sound.
"Jesus tap-dancing card-counting Christ! You scared me!" Just Get It Over With screamed. "My heart almost leapt out of my chest! This is worse than the nightmare I had about Dick First Ass Up, Bloqueen, and Tuna on Top changing a tire! The last time I was this frightened, Dick Tracy's Pussy told me she had forgotten her mother's birthday! Not even Gloryhole giving directions to Gingervitis about how to properly account for investment returns on his tax forms could be this terrifying! Fuck!"
"Um, I'm sorry," Cockamole tried to make herself as small and nonthreatening as possible. Vagina Dentata leapt up and licked the entire side of Just Get It Over With's face.
"It's fine, it's fine, it's not your fault that the world is a generally dramatic and horrifying place. Do you know I just saw Circle Jerk and Five Angry Inches run into that Apple Store?"
"Yes, and then Masterbaster and Queen were right behind them!"
"Followed right away by Infinite Butthole, Wrinklepecker, Tuna on Top and... Sperm Donor!"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand... did they get detained? Arrested?"
"Nope, went right out the other side."
Cockamole frowned. "Anyway, I was just on my way to the Emerald Beer Check to see the great Crabs!"
"Oh! What a good idea! I need to get something from him!"
"I don't know if he can make you less afraid..." Cockamole cautioned her.
"Oh no, a tall shot of tequila will do that. He owes me a nice bed of straw, took some from me last week and made a man out of it, named it Jack The Ripper, and now I don't have anywhere to sleep. The nerve!"
"Well, if you want to come with..."
"Sure I do!" Just Get It Over With looped their arms together. "Oh shit! It's the flying monkeys!"
"Cacaw! Cacaw!" Dick Ass Mother Fucker leapt from the Transamerica Pyramid. "Cacaw!"
"Eeeek! Eeeek!" Eat My Pussy screeched.
"They're gonna mess up my hair! They're gonna mess up my hair!" Just Get It Over With wailed in fear.
"Here! Here you go!" Fuck Buddy waved a vessel in front of their faces, which was immediately grabbed and quaffed by the pair. "No one can get a moment's peace around here, I swear to god. Look, just keep the Golden Cup of Beer full, and they'll be fine."
"Are these your monkeys?" asked Cockamole.
Fuck Buddy shook her head. "Not my monkeys, not my circus. Ask Do Her Well." She disappeared into the darkness.
"Are you going to fly at us too?" Cockamole looked above the group into the trees, where Missile Anus, Three and a Half Inch Floppy, and Dickweed were perched.
"No, just chilling," Missile Anus reassured them, as Three and a Half Inch Floppy fell down to his doom.
"Does he need a doctor?" Cockamole wondered.
"Do Her Well!" Worst Bottom Ever popped up. "One of your monkey things is sick!"
"That's not one of mine," a white face with big red lips arched in a widely terrifying smile slowly emerged from the darkness. "But maybe it could be..."
"Ah!" Cockamole grabbed the cup of beer from Eat My Pussy and flung it at the face.
"Shit, shit, my makeup is melting. Fuck. My eyes. Dammit, someone take me home." Just Doesn't Get It and Fucker popped out of nowhere and led her away.
"Are we ever gonna get to see the Great Crabs at this point?" Cockamole muttered.
"Ah, me Crabs!" a caveman stepped into the streetlight.
"You are the Great Crabs?" Cockamole said doubtfully.
"Yes, me Crabs. Me Great. Greater than Hand Pump, some night. And Hand Pump Very Great."
"Is this the Emerald Beer Check?" asked Just Get It Over With.
"Beer check where I say. See? Cum Test Dummy here. Just Jim here. Mary Tyler Whore here. Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring here. Even Mouth Down South here. Beer check here."
"Okay, well now I guess I've found the Emerald Beer Check... can you tell me how to get home?" Cockamole asked.
"Home where heart is." Crabs answered.
"A heart?" Can't Rush Anal popped up out of nowhere.
"I got something that'll get you home," Today is Monday winked at her.
"I meant a specific location," Cockamole added. "That I am trying to navigate towards."
"Sometimes when I'm trying to get home I look to the stars and find my way," Fuck Norris opined, while Wash This Asshole nodded in agreement.
"Home is where you make it," Pussy Passport added. "I've found home in lots of places, but the best is with someone you love." Tears of Semen toasted her.
"No matter how many times I go away, I always find home here waiting for me when I come back." Hello Titties placed his hand over his heart, partially out of sentimentality and partially because Can't Rush Anal was looking intently in its direction.
"Hear hear!" What Comes in Vega Stays in Vega cheered.
"I just never leave," Cowlick muttered to Shaft, Wrinklepecker nodding in agreement.
"You can always come home with me, in my van down by the window. I'll get ya chopping wood and washing dishes. Doing the laundry and making the bed. Good for dexterity! It'll feel like home in no time. NO TIME!" Dick Simmons yelled.
"Uh... no thanks. I guess I'll just try Uber this time." Cockamole whipped out her phone and went on her way into the night.