The scene was silent, the crowd facing forward with eyes fixed firmly on Miss Delivery at the front. Ska Skank was discreetly checking her phone, Humpy Slocumb already had a few pages of notes, and Dick Simmons had set up at least five live action cameras in the knotholes of the paneling lining the room. Muff Daddy snored quiety from the corner.
"Truly I tell you," Miss Delivery's low voice resounded through the silence. "There is but one path to walk towards, in the midst of falsehoods."
"And backchecks," Do Her Well whispered.
Miss Delivery's right eye might have twitched, but he continued. "For many have sought out greatness, and a few even have achieved it."
"I keep thrusting it on Shaft, but it's not sticking," Cowlick confided to Backwash.
"And what do those few, those proud, those brave have in common?" Miss Delivery asked. Muppet Dick leaned forward, and even Masterbaster seemed to be captivated.
"Malort!" Miss Delivery pointed at the bottle suddenly bathed in light on the pedestal that had appeared beside him. Red Rocket gasped, and Vagina Dentata's eyes began to flutter.
"Malort! It will make Just Get It Over With finish her drink!" Miss Delivery proclaimed.
"Out of self defense," conceded Just Get It Over With.
"Malort! You'll never have to tell your virgins apart again!" Miss Delivery pointed to Crabs, who was wrangling two young men in orange.
"That's because there won'e be any virgins," Circle Jerk protested.
"Malort! Even Five Angry Inches of it will be enough." Miss Delivery promised.
"Oh, I'm always enough," Five Angry Inches said proudly.
"Malort! It'll take the hair from Dickweed's chest-- and put it onto Tonya Hardon!" Miss Delivery continued.
"Is this supposed to be a good thing?" Fucker asked.
"I don't... I don't know," Tuna on Top stuttered. Hand Pump passed her a glass.
"But wait!" Bloqueen interrupted the scene, covered in sweat. Which was possibly, but not certainly, made from Malort.
"Miss Delivery, how can you come to us with all these promises, when you yourself have stumbled?" Bloqueen waved a finger in front of Miss Delivery, as Dick Ass Mother Fucker gasped.
"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean," Miss Delivery said smoothly, taking a swig from the bottle. "But... please continue."
"Ah! Ah! As it is said, you must take the mote out of your own trail before you take the plank from your brothers' trail," Bloqueen argued. "But it was the fact that you took too much that was to blame!"
"You'll have to explain yourself, Bloqueen, before you continue with these accusations," Can't Rush Anal cautioned him.
"That's right," Good Shit Lollicock added. "Miss Delivery is a fine, upstanding hasher, and I've never known him to steer us wrong. Malort is what saved me from a dark and insidious addiction to geometry."
"It's simple, really," Bloqueen started. "So simple I should have expected it myself. And you, Cuming Mutha, you would have told Miss Delivery to be careful, but he just wouldn't listen, would he? It was but five nights ago that the Bar Hash came through here! And I would know, because I was the hare!" Double D Rex clutched his chest, and Exaggerating Crack swooned. Just Mike looked up from his game of Wordle.
Bloqueen reared back. "You, Miss Delivery, have reused and confused My. Old. Trail."
Just Kate's eyes widened, and Sir Menage a Lot raised a hand slowly to his mouth. Boner Marrow couldn't even stand to look.
"Ah, you see Bloqueen, it's very simple," Miss Delivery's smile did not fade, and his eyes began to twinkle. "It's not a reused trail. It is-- A Resurrection!" The crowd erupted.
"Hallelujah!" Wash This Asshole shouted.
"Praise be to Malort!" Camel Toe proclaimed.
"Raise a glass to Freedom, and Miss Delivery!" Just Doesn't Get It yelled. The masses gathered at the front and hoisted Miss Delivery above them, parading him through the aisle and out the door.
"Are the children ready for their Malort?" One Night Only called from the Pre-K Center into the empty room.