So I just woke up, and it's light out, and I think I'm stuck in the shiggy from Monday's trail. I don't know where exactly, there's no sign of flour or marks or pack arrows anywhere. And I know how good you guys are at pack arrows, so I must be really fucking lost.
I remember the start of the evening well enough--the Foul Weather Debacle was unusually temperate, with a big group gathered around Hand Pump's van. After a universally confusing chalk talk, we all fell for the worst back check ever, sending the pack into disarray. Eat My Pussy and Just Doesn't Get It tried to sneak off into the bushes, but thinking orgy, everyone else followed. When we finally came to our senses, we ran back to Twin Peaks (sans the Just Doesn't Get Pussy crew) where Lost in Foreskin was finally found amongst the folds of the hills.
Hoseblower loomed out of the shadows, but since he didn't have enough alcohol for anyone but himself, we kept going, running through the forests by Sutro Tower, Ultrahead cheering us on. As we crashed back into the forest, I remember The Perfect Woman crowding behind me and then--blackness.
I strongly suspect the next part was some sort of crazy dream. Ultrahead, Hand Pump, and Hoseblower were servants of an evil djinn, which lurked in the shadows under Market Street. Leading us to him, they one by one enslaved us all into his service. The pack, as usual distracted by warm food and cold beer, did not notice anything amiss.
And yet, the foul work was already beginning. Shampooper and Ska Skank summoned their animals into most grotesque services (though Soggy Bottom Bitch was slow to comply, as usual), while Shaft collected the human feces he had been carefully saving from last week. Muff Daddy hid the Hash Shit, fearing what he might see in the painted houses. Dick Simmons continued naming his victims--er, friends--one by one.
Finally the rites began in earnest. Titty Boo Boo and Dick Ass Mother Fucker emerged as a two headed beast, cavorting wildly amongst us. However, with the handy provision of beer, they split into two and slunk back into the darkness. Hold My Bitch, inspired by their coupling, ran after them to provide a blood sacrifice. Primal Vagina screamed "That's my job," and swiftly gave chase.
Then Just Cheryl emerged, temptuously leading a virgin in her wake. With the power of technology, she had lured him into our presence, so that he might see her true nature. However, the pack, lusting for Just Cheryl's true name, grew rowdy in her presence. Finally, she showed them her Stinky Floss--and having found her true name, she was released from her mortal chains and rose amongst us, triumphant.
In the midst of this chaos, the hares came forth, panic in their eyes. The djinn had commanded them to the bar, they exclaimed, and the pack must follow forthwith.
The circle erupted, realizing the true nature of their enslavement. Good Shit Lollicock began a prayer, but stopped when he couldn't remember anything after "Hail Mary." I'm Drunk and 2XWhore yelled for the crowd to come to their senses, but it was to no avail.
The rituals continued. Blowqueen offered his anal cherry to someone, anyone, as long as they could find the seatpost from his stolen bicycle. Tears of Semen being absent, Just Diana was summoned in her place. Titty Boo Boo stumbled back into circle, eyes wild from the whores... ahem, horrors he had seen in the periphery.
It was then that the demon Lost in Foreskin emerged, threatening the pack with the Marathon Hash rite, where he would lead the pack into a death march through the city of St. Francis, offering a thimble of beer every mile to quench their thirst.
Appalled by this threat, Now I Know My STDs and No Panties No Problem rushed forth with their virgins as a final sacrifice to end the chaos. With help from The Perfect Woman, circle was ended and the demons (and djinn) subsided.
So I really don't care who slipped me the drugs, but I am still in these woods, and I would appreciate it if someone came to look for me. Just bring the potato, I don't care if it's cold.
Just come quick, if you can. It's getting darker, and I don't think I'm alone...