SFH3 Run #844
: 12/06/1999
: Stow Lake
: Long Cutting Bastard and Wood Probe
: Son of Shit

San Francisco Hash House Harriers
Rehash of Run 844 & Lies Fabricated by Son Of Shit
December 6, 1999


Skinny Bitch does not plan well to have enough Kegs at the Holiday Party! Hashers around the world were shocked and are still in disbelief over the debacle of this years San Francisco Hash House Harriers holiday party. It all began to go south when Rong Jon had unsuspectingly went to the keg. To his dismay there was only foam left. The King Exclaimed “No Beer!” and “Blame Canada!” After that anarchy followed, similar to what occurred in Seattle last weeks world trade conference. Pin Prick was seen kicking Voyeur in the nuts over a beer. Love Monkey and Naked Hasher were seen taking glasses off tables that were partially full and filling up their glasses in a desperate attempt to keep their buzzes going strong. Little Beef tried without result to collect money so she could go to the Safeway to get more of the sacred liquid. This actually made the hashers angrier. So much so that Bite Me, Lepper Porn and Spam Bam started a slam dancing mosh pit. Touch Me was having another intimate moment with Smegma but was so incensed that she joined in the Malay. In her rage she exclaimed at the top of her lungs “BLAME CANADA!!!” Motor Mount was sick and tired of listen to all of this putting down of his country and proceeded to pontificate his country innocence and simply said “you like my country when there is war, but when there is a beer shortage why is always Canada’s fault?” I was the only one, in-fact the beleaguered crowd took him out back and proceeded to beat him senseless. I agree this isn’t saying much… but that is an entirely different story.

  The band played the modern Rockabilly sounds. It was interesting that there were these three Fonzi looking guys (non-hashers) hanging out looking real cool with their bouffant hair styles. Unfortunately all good things have to end. At 11:15 they were done and even with Butt Nose pleading for them to continue, he was DENIED! The Hashers at this point headed to their respective private parties. I was with the group that went to Smegma’s home. So, I can only report what I saw there. The first thing witnessed was about 25 drunk ass hashers. The good news is Smegma had

(continued column 3)


Definition: cheerful willingness, readiness, or promptness

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When Chandler's boss invited him to lunch, he accepted with alacrity. The ninety-year-old man responded to the invitation with surprising alacrity.

Sex Math 101

What kind of math don't they teach in school?

How to add a bed subtract your clothes divide your legs and multiply!

The run start was at Stowe Lake in the center of Golden Gate Park. Long Cutting Bastard and Wood Probe were the hares. It was a decent turnout on what could be characterized as a well above average run. The only real gripe is too many freaking checks. It seemed every hundred yards there was a freaking check. Beyond that it was very scenic and what was really great was how LCB and Woody Probe were not afraid to go out of the park. Fortunately there were no fatalities crossing Lincoln. You have to admit that Darwin in plays a role in hashing… if you are not real careful.


 The first crime given was to No Hands for being an anal-retentive hasher. In the spirit of the holiday season he arranged the beer into the shape of a Christmas tree. He was quite proud of his creation. The only problem was when people wanted to pick up a beer. “It would mess it up”, whined No Hands. As always the crowd ignored him and drank his beer tree into oblivion. Dirk Dickless was further chastised for laying the shittiest trail of the Millennium. He was very proud of his hard work. Guess what Dickless? You get to be on double secret probation with Screaming Orgasm just like me. I must provide two suitable mentors (Love Gloves and Bush Girl) before I can hair again. So, you are not alone in your ineptness. Hand Maiden and Bite Me got a down down for getting bruised up at the Holiday Party. That’s all I am going to say about that!
Home Wrecker had a holiday party the same night as the Hash Holiday party. She couldn’t figure out why no one showed up from the hash? Would someone PLEASE enlighten her? During Down Downs, officer friendly showed up and began to berate the hashers for parking the wrong way on a one way street. Crabs explained that “we are all a bunch of stupid people in the bay area” and referenced what would happen if there was an overturned truck filled with human excrement Officer Friendly, left perplexed, beset with doubt or worried by some fear. At that time we wished PinPrick was here to do his “I am a cop” thing. No such luck! Moon Unit was on trail and was heard saying that he was on trail and that he was going to win the hash. He was so confident that he said he would buy drinks for everyone. Not a real smart thing to say in front of a drinking club. Touch Me got a down down for wearing a swimming parka. She sure looked warm. The HASH named Dennis West of the Testis due to his keen prowess when it comes to geography. Dr. Kimble is another year older. Happy Birthday… Fuck You!.. A great song!

an extensive wine collection. Star 69, Ballhandler, Screaming Orgasm, and Lepper Porn were drinking like they had all gone on a run in the Mojave dessert. Glug…glug…glug….glug went bottle after bottle. Yeast Infection was pretending he was the DJ. “Put your hands in the Air, Hey! ..Ho!.. Hey! ..Ho!.” Passing his flask of good Irish whisky around the room. The drunkest was the Bush Girl. He drank out of “that damn silver flask” “It is a well used flask”, professed Yeast Infection. He further elaborated that he had been given that flask over 10 years ago at a friends wedding he was in. Isn’t that an ironic gift? Shouldn’t the groomsman give the flask to the dude getting married?

  Bush Girl was caught: laughing at the ground, blowing chunks, praying to the porcelain god’s. Enough about bodily expulsion. In all this Technicolor yawning. There is some good news Shit Eating Grin was around to help. He told Bush Girl “get over it you big wimp” and “I am a Doctor not a Nuclear physicist….huh? I think he may have been inebriated. Strokes A Lot was modeling the perfect swimming stoke for me. She does admit, “not being very good at the breast stroke”. Beyond that point I am suffering from “C R S” (can’t remember shit) sort of a selective memory thing.

Speaking of Shit. How many people saw Crabs on television? Well he was on for a Porta Potty spill on the Bay Bridge. He said, “how you were fucked if you were on the 4.5 mile span of the bridge” and “how there is no ways to get off the bridge to exit if there is an accident during rush hour” WOW really?! Thank you for explaining that fact to the entire bay area. Not to mention the entire world. They actually played him on CNN. Now the entire world can see the intelligence of the bay area as represented by Cal Trans. We in the Bay Area are so stupid we probably could not have figured that out on our own. Who knew that if you are on a bridge over water you couldn’t get off of it until you cross the body of water on-to-land?

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.