It has come to our attention that the SAN FRANCISCO HASH HOUSE HARRIERS (hereby donated as SFH3) are non-compliant with public accessibility laws for the differently abled. To our disappointment, we must ask you to rectify these deficiencies, or a lawsuit will soon follow. Our complaints include, but are not limited to, the following:
I. Just Aaron has received repeated harassment for his hearing assistance device, such that it might preclude him from participating in your activities. Not content with reducing his comfort, the SFH3 group designated him as “I Cunt Hear You,” a clearly derogatory appellation that may cause him to cease and desist association with your organization altogether. Furthermore, a harriette identified only as “Backwash” mocked his impairment by pretending to sign while he was brought in front of the parties at question. This behavior is clearly discriminatory and generally appalling.
II. A canine entity regarded as “Fluffer” (our affiliates at PETA have been notified) was fitted with a service dog vest by one “Who’s Your Daddy,” with the encouragement of owners Shaft and Cowlick. “Fluffer” has provided support, emotional or physical, to no parties in any way on record. We are handling this point internally with the assistance of our colleagues.
III. Speaking of our colleagues, though we do not handle animal abuse, we feel this complaint may require special intervention. A small, terrified and abused creature was found wandering the streets, miles away from his home. “Cunty Butler,” we do not care how you terrifying you believe skunks to be because of their depiction in popular media, he is a creature deserving love and respect just as anyone else. Moreover, now that he has a taste for human flesh, special accommodations are required for him. You will be receiving our bill.
IV. Clearly your beer containers are inaccessible for the differently abled with neurological impairments. “Dickweed,” purportedly a young, virile male, was unable to maintain a firm grasp when confronted with the police, so how can our elderly with various neurological impairments hope to cope? We believe this complaint will be easy to rectify and will service you as well in its correction.
V. Persons in protected classes, such as your hare “Miss Delivery,” shall not be discriminated against. It shall be noted that one “Who’s Your Daddy” and one “Fuck Buddy” staged a guerrilla beer check, clearly drawing away from the true artist of the night.
a. However, your hare is not without his deficiencies. “Malört” is clearly accessible only to the mentally deranged and the Swedes (two non-exclusive categories). While “Blowqueen” and “Abbah” seemed to appreciate his wares, not all parties were able to partake pleasantly.
b. Furthermore, the number of stairs, trails, and police presence made your free-for-all inaccessible for those in wheelchairs and parolees.
VI. Your castigation of “Brown Eye for the Gay Guy” for public urination was not without notice. “Brown Eye” has received a physician’s note for his medical condition and should not be shamed for it.
a. The fact that the doctor in question is Dr. Flexcannon, Proctologist Extraordinaire is irrelevant.
b. Please cease and desist any bodyshaming of Dr. Flexcannon during future events, even if he does tuck his penis between his legs.
VII. When members of your parties perform activities that may be considered entertainment, please report them immediately and refer them to the correct licensing board, “Resting Slut Face.” It is not for you to determine whether the quality of “Sir Menage-a-lot’s” strip-tease merits certification.
We must insist that you address all of these complaints immediately, or we will be forced to take legal action. Please realize that correcting these deficiencies will only make your organization a more inclusive and enjoyable place, and frankly, when people like “Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring” are losing virgins, and people like “Crabs” are forced to stoop to RAing, you need all the help you can get.
The Accommodations Society Seeking Help On Lesser Eventualities