Tour de Franzia, A History
The Tour de Franzia is one of the drunkest trails in the history of SFH3 hashing, with a few exceptions. It was first run on May 14th, 2012, or at least that was the first time that someone remembered to put it on the hareline. It has been run every year since then, excepting World Wars One and Two.
Lost In Foreskin and Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home, two inveterate hashers, founded the trail, but worried about its lack of popularity, advertised it indirectly as a training hash for Bay to Blackout. Unable to organize both the start and the finish, they relied upon the necessary assistance of Hand Pump and Muff Daddy to contain the racers before they set off.
The proposed prize was a large wooden cock with a bottle opener on it.
The Early Years
Records of the first five years have been lost to time.
The Fifth Race
Crowds gathered by Cupid’s Span, and immediately Just Get It Over With declared herself lost. She was not to be the only one. The race organizers were forced to deal with several inexperienced entrants, while Fuck Buddy and Good Shit Lollicock chuckled at the thought of what was to come. The level of preparation clearly varied amongst the crowd, with Wrinklepecker, Do Her Well and Just Hawkeye practicing their aerodynamic tucks on the street corner. Big Cock Chains had pulled out his rainbow colored helmet, but race organizers insisted he put his pants back on or be penalized for an unfair advantage. On the other end of the spectrum, Shaft had donned a white shirt, an unexpectedly rookie move from a veteran hasher.
The beginning of Stage One was plagued with confusion, as the group grew agitated when it became clear that there would not be a simple one block path to the Franzia. Douchicorn and Wiener I Am sprinted off hoping to get away from the pack, but hard work by Whorifist and Primal Vagina tag-teaming quickly brought them back. But their efforts broke up the peloton, and it was Meh taking advantage of the confusion who captured the Stage One victory.
The perils of the Tour quickly became apparent as Do Her Well and Fucker nearly collided, Franzia already clouding their ability to vector. Saigon Sally wisely stayed out of the fray, using quick wits to pull a ten second advantage. But the organizers had chosen a most difficult course for the peloton, and Cuming Mutha’s wiles pulled them together once more. The Perfect Woman, sensing an advantage, chose to go down while the rest went up, and while he in the end was satisfied, it was Reverse Schoolgirl who won Stage Two.
The peloton had grown more disorganized and more disorderly at this point, some so “exhausted” they were barely able to follow the directions of the race organizers. Circle Jerk found the conditions much to his liking, but Ru Ru Rimmin and Pharmaho discovered trusting him to lead the way was a mistake. Stinky Floss initially gained an advantage, but Pole Her Bare successfully distracted her enough so that Buck Fucka could take the day.
Multiple racers found themselves suffering from excessive spare tires, but despite the harsh conditions they were subjected to, the peloton stayed the course. Discovering the waterfalls of Yerba Buena, most felt refreshed, but some particularly hard men like Mouth Down South declared that they wished the falls were made of Franzia. This confused Udder Moron so much that he paused for long enough at the falls that Sir Menage A Lot was able to squeak by into a narrow lead. Fuck Norris consoled Just Get It Over With, who had by that point blown his wad and was seeking water from the team car, that all contenders would most definitely be getting the consolation prize of Racer Five. This so energized JDGI that he immediately passed Blowqueen and Miss Delivery to find a top ten position. But it was Millimeter Peter who came through at the end for the victory. When asked whether the man had some insider information, race organizers declined to comment.
As Chicken Bone Her remarked later, “It was a massacre.” Even the stage winners looked overwhelmed at the finish, the pack in general was a mess. Tears of Semen sopped gently at Vagina Dentata’s tears, while Handidicked looked for a wheelchair. Sister Fister offered to help him out. Cool Handjob Luke fanned himself desperately, and Masterbaster washed his hands of all responsibility. Even Rent Whore had no port in this storm for Just Louisa. The chaos was maddening, the din grew deafening, and Ska Skank was afraid she would suffer more damage than she had at her latest concert. It was only the actions of Cockagami and Cockamole that cooled the riotous group as they doled out the prizes to the rightful winners, and prevented the losers from sobering up too quickly.
The Tour de Franzia, while not well remembered by its participants, will go down in history as one of the most difficult challenges that mankind has put itself to, breaking even the strongest of men and women into sobbing babies before ten o’clock. Only the firmest of livers and most determined of hashers will prevail in this epic hash event.