Lies, I tell you, Lies! Not the kind where the hare’s say trail will be short and flat and we’re all going to have sex on trail [Editor’s note: Microsoft wants me to change trail to trial. That’s how you know Microsoft has changed from the cool new kid, to the prudish old man that wants to put sex on trial], but real, horrible lies. That’s how SFH3 Hash#1608 started. Up until 30 seconds before the start of the hash, The Hares (GM MillimeterPeter and Lost In Foreskin) had the start location listed at “Yo Momma’s House” which caused Whole Blow Out and Ska-Skank Redemption to fly to the 1930s and America’s Penis, respectively, to see their dear ole’ moms. Broken Boner’s momma lives in SF, but it’s a good thing that the hash didn’t go there or else someone like Fucker or Cherry Poppins would have been his new daddy.
Even Agent Orange’s smell couldn’t hide the glorious smell of Racer 5 coming out of Hand Pump’s van and following their nose, everyone who was meant to, found their way to Kezar Stadium. Unbeknown to most of the pack HP had just been on an epic quest which turned out to be a fool’s errand. The trickster Sir Menage-A-Lot had claimed that free keg awaited the first person to arrive, but instead it was just a lie to get someone to “walk in” on him naked!
Bitch’s Bitch, completely sweat-less even though he had run all the way from Marin, and Weiner I Am anxiously waited for On-On to be called, as Cumming Mutha, finally over one injury and excited to get his next one, did his best kangaroo impersonation. The Perfect Woman refused to believe that it was Monday and continued celebrating Pride by singing Ke$ha songs and shaking glitter out of this hair. The whistles blew and as the pack r*n past Kezar Stadium Just Doesn’t GetIt was yelling “come on guys lets r*n intervals instead.” He was never heard from again. Shaft charged to lead of the pack riding his faithful steed-a-doodle Fluffer. In what seemed like a flash most of the pack was at the Beer Check rejoicing in the fact that for once, trail was actually short and flat, not knowing that Lost In Foreskin was out setting a triathlon for the Eagle Trail that no one took. Late because she was busy trying to get her outfit to match, My Uncle’s Girlfriend got to the Beer Check just in time to showcase the brightest green shirt known to man which went beautifully with the newest green shoes in the land. DFL for the trail was the ever curious Community Chest who got sidetracked by Closet Twitcher as he showed her what it is he does in his closet. Both having crossed bridges and sporting luxurious beards, Just David and Cuntgenital Cameltosis became instant BFFs and skipped off into the sunset holding pinkies. The rest of the pack, being less hirsute, returned to Kezar for some much needed religion from Crabs and Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home.
Tuna Jerky having just returned from her overseas journey where she fought crime on the streets in India as her alter ego Turkey Jerki brought a multitude of virgins who unfortunately got caught in Agent Orange’s chest hair and were never seen again. I Love The Taste Of Cock In The Morning got a down down for showing everyone the sunburn he got on his ass from wearing chaps during Pride Weekend. Cumming Mutha and On All Fours dressed up like Zoidberg and sang a mournful lament about the cancellation of Futurama. Who’s Your Daddy ran away as soon as he saw Douche of Hazzard and Good Tongue Action in the same place. Deadbeat changed into his Sunday’s best hoping to out-dress Mary Tyler Whore which is impossible. Muff Daddy had to explain to Three Times A Virgin that he was on to her and she finally coughed up her $6. Bum Sucking Electric Fag and Cum Guzzling Cockaholic announced that they had gotten gay married over the weekend and would like to be called Bum Sucking Cockaholic and Cum Guzzling Electric Fag. Boob Chuck showed us what harriets from San Diego are made of and work crews are still working on getting Backside Banger’s jaw off the ground. Wee Wee tried to separate Broken Boner from his favorite vessel, but his love of drinking out of his own shoes conquers all.
Led by the light coming off of MUG’s shirt, reflected and amplified by Straight to Hell’s cranium, the pack made their way to Kezar Pub. Good Shit Lollicock showed off the dancing skills he learned when he worked at Coyote Ugly pre-op. The hash ate and drank and were merry. Though it started with lies, a little r*nning, a lot of Racer 5 and Vitamin J made for wonderful pride/heatwave hangover cure.