“Welcome, Mr. Slowcum. Please have a seat.”
Humpy Slowcum looked at the seated panel before him as a small bead of sweat dripped down the back of his neck. Each panelist had a name tag in front of them, but it didn’t give him much to go by. Hand Pump, who had initially welcomed him in, was fiddling with some mechanical device, while Muff Daddy was digging through his satchel as if looking for some remaining crumbs. Do Her Well was typing furiously into her phone and a computer at the same time. Only Rent Whore was actually paying attention to him, waving at him and smiling broadly.
“You’re in luck, Mr. Slowcum,” Do Her Well said without looking up. “We flew Rent Whore in from our Miami office just for this—she was a key partner at SFH3, but is serving our Florida branch quite effectively.” Do Her Well crossed and uncrossed her legs, waggling her eyebrows. As she had a full length parka on, it might not have been the effect she was going for.
“That’s right, Mr. Slowcum,” Rent Whore flipped through some papers. “I see you have… no experience? Well… that’s never been a problem for me.”
Hand Pump coughed. “We’ll set you up with Hello Titties, an expert in his field, should we come to agreeable terms.”
“We need to ask you some stuff first,” Muff Daddy blurted out. “How do you get your penis out of a pickle jar?”
“Umm,” Humpy Slowcum looked around for inspiration. There was a portrait of a man named Cum Guzzling Cockaholic draped over a keg on one wall, mirrored by the beautiful flowing locks of Uber Luber on the other. “Carefully?” he guessed.
“Gherkin,” Muff Daddy said flatly.
“How many virgins can you make come at once?” asked Do Her Well.
“I’ve… never tried?” Humpy Slowcum answered.
“Best that you don’t,” Do Her Well replied. “You should see what Dick Tracy’s Pussy did last night. Just Jim is still in shock.”
“Let’s lay out some scenarios,” Hand Pump suggested. “Maybe he’ll do better at that.”
“Ok, here’s one,” Muff Daddy put a Cheeto into his mouth. It was unclear where it had actually come from. “Fucker and Gloryhole are setting a trail together, and they know that Dickweed is an FRB who is minutes away from tracking them down. But Deadbeat is also on this trail, and he is a short-cutting bastard who will catch them if they try too many tricks. How big should their arrows be, if you assume that their arrows are a metaphor for the sizes of their dicks?”
“It’s not the size of the arrow, it’s how you use them?” guessed Humpy Slowcum.
“Hmm. Okay, here’s one,” Do Her Well said. “Fuck Buddy, On All Fours, and Cuming Mutha have a trail to announce, but Five Angry Inches is too drunk to remember. You are Vagina Dentata, and you have forgotten all of their names. When do you call the virgins?”
“What do virgins have to do with anything?” Humpy Slowcum asked. “Why are you obsessed with virgins?”
“I'll have you know that Slug was once a virgin, and she’s been a productive member of our organization for years. Good Shit? Fuck Norris? Udder Moron? All virgins,” Do Her Well retorted. “Even me. Look at me, Humpy. Look me in the eyes and tell me that virgins don’t matter.”
“Ok, ok, sorry. Um, can I have another question?”
“Can you describe the difference between Can’t Eat Pussy and Eat My Pussy in one sentence?” Rent Whore asked.
“It sounds like they’re… opposites?”
“Is that a guess?” asked Hand Pump.
“Ok, here’s another. What’s the best strategy for setting a trail in Golden Gate Park?” Muff Daddy munched on an Oreo.
“Well, he might not even be there, you know?” Do Her Well pointed out. “Wanna try again?”
“I guess we’d stop for a drink and enjoy the atmosphere.”
“And what are the key ingredients for a drink check?” Rent Whore prodded.
“Um, drinks?” Humpy Slowcum frowned.
“And…” Do Her Well prompted.
“Yeah, we’ll give it to him.” She nodded at Rent Whore.
“Last one,” Hand Pump said. “What do you do when Shaft wears new shoes?”
“Compliment him on his fashion sense?” Humpy Slowcum ducked as popcorn flew at him out of Muff Daddy’s hand.
“Even The Uniballer knows he drinks out of them!” Do Her Well chuckled. “Allright, get out of here. One And Done will handle your orientation paperwork, and Bierectional and Fix Her Up Her will tackle your benefits package. Go see Dick Simmons for your badge. You’ll be in the same orientation seminar as Muppet Dick, CPA, and Wash This Asshole. Send Just Michael and Cream Throat Willy in when you leave, if you don’t mind.
“What, I got the job?” Humpy Slowcum asked in disbelief.
“It’s not like we’re beating them off around here,” Do Her Well shrugged. “Get out there. It’s not gonna lay itself.”