Just Doesn't Get It peered through a set of binoculars at the entrance. "No sign of movement," he said to Do Her Well, who was trying to write up a report and failing spectacularly.
"Well, yeah, that's the idea," she muttered. "It's de-militarized. If people will milling about in it, it would defeat the entire purpose."
"Did you decode Tuna on Top's telegram yet?" he asked. "Why can't the Old School camp just use smart phones like the rest of us?"
"No, because I was doing the laundry and then I had to feed Pearl. I'll get to it. We have a whole fifteen minutes before she expects a response. And anyway, I don't get why I have to be in this camp. I'm almost like a techie," she complained. "I can Google things."
"It's because you have a little native San Franciscan inside you," Just Doesn't Get It replied.
"Well it looks like I'm the only one. The Back In My Dayers is chock full with Hand Pump, Gloryhole, Muff Daddy and Dick Ass Mother Fucker? -- for some reason. And One Night Only has Mother Hentai, Red Rocket, and Banana In Public with the International Elite. And it seems like the Red Headed Stepchildren is being pretty open with the definition.
"Oh, who else is there besides Sleazy and Eat My Pussy?"
"Doesn't count. We've wasted too many lives trying to stage a rescue, he just keeps going back."
"So why are we not recruiting more Native San Franciscans, then?" Do Her Well wondered.
"Don't worry," Just Doesn't Get It reassured her. "They'll be sure to let us know."
"Look, there's movement!" She pointed as the van door opened.
"Where?" Just Doesn't Get It turned three hundred and sixty nine degrees and fell flat on his back. "Oh, hey, a hawk!"
"Screw the hawk, there's action on the field. Vagina Dentata is waving a white flag-- oh, no, that's Just Get It Over With. Vagina Dentata is being carried on a litter by Can't Rush Anal and Sleazy. It looks like he has some sort of a megaphone, and oh, it seems like he's announcing something!"
"Hear ye, hear ye!" Vagina Dentata giggled to himself. "I always wanted to say that."
"I need sleeeeep," Just Get It Over With mumbled. She fell over into a small pile of rainbow colors on the ground.
"Anywho," Vagina Dentata continued, stepping over her limp body. "I am pleased to announce that our long, dark national nightmare is now over! No more shall there be war between our factions! No more shall turmoil rock every moment of our existence."
The only thing that could be heard was the curses of the conures flying overhead.
"What, in your eyes, do we all have in common?" Vagina Dentata asked the blank sidewalk before him. "What binds us all in unity even as our perceived divisions tear us apart?"
A tin can whistled from behind a barricade. Vagina Dentata pulled a strip of paper from within and carefully unfolded it. "We're all going to die-- No! I mean, yes, but no! It's a love of beer, and a love of exercise! And so, I propose an idea that we join together in a truce to enjoy an adventure together. There will be sights! There will be scenes! There will be senseless revelry!"
"And?" asked Cockamole, slinking carefully out of the bushes directly behind Vagina Dentata.
"Yikes! You... you sure know how to slink, Cockamole," Vagina Dentata wiped his brow. "And two drink checks and a beer check. So are we all agreed?" He watched as one by one the different camps emerged from their hiding places to stand before him.
"Okay, all together, peacefully, we'll take off into the night?" Vagina Dentata raised an eyebrow.
Five Angry Inches carefully hid his flamethrower.
And so the group ran up hill and down alley, through the panhandle towards the park, only to turn and run the other way as if possessed by a demon with particularly poor navigational skills. Jack The Ripper disappeared into the darkness, as was his wont, while Dickweed rushed to keep Cirque du So Lame in sight. For a brief, gleaming moment the pack was united as one in their quest for liquor.
"What's this-- a chicken trail?" Sperm Donor peered over at the sidewalk.
"Who are you calling chicken, asshole?" demanded Just Michael. "I'm no chicken."
"Well so long as you're not a chicken, I'm happy to call myself that," PakiSak puffed out his chest.
"I'm with Paki!" Worst Bottom Ever added, but then turned around to find that he actually wasn't, as everyone had disappeared in the dark.
"I'll Chicken with you," Just Doesn't Get It offered, waggling his eyebrows. Worst Bottom Ever decided quickly discretion was the better part of valour, but the best part was getting to the alcohol at the drink check as soon as feasible.
Got Wood, on the other hand, couldn't so much as stand to be in the presence of the chicken faction, and dragged Just Jim and Bierectional to the eagle camp perching itself near Grand View with alacrity.
"I'm not so sure this was a good idea," Do Her Well said, shivering on top of the traffic island as a MUNI bus blew her hair into even more of a bird's nest.
"Sure it was," Tonya Hardon waved her arms about. "Caw, caw, motherfuckers, we're gonna eagle this bitch."
Finally descending from the heights by Dolores Park, the eagle crew encountered My Little Spermaid with Dick Tracy's Pussy.
"Looks like we have some Turkey's around here," Five Angry Inches nodded at them.
"You don't know me! You don't know me!" My Little Spermaid waved a fist at him.
"You really don't--" advised Rhythm Method. "I saw her run to the start."
"Overachiever!" Five Angry Inches cackled.
"You just can't win with this crew," My Little Spermaid groused.
"Would you want to?" wondered Cirque du So Lame.
At last Hand Pump was waving them in to the beer van, letting only a handful of hashers get run down by the oncoming traffic and only a few more get arrested by the cops.
At long last all returned to the site of their initial truce, drinking beer and remarking about what a night it had been. Wash This Asshole toasted Tongueless's Penis, while Five Angry Inches made arrangements to go home with PakiSak later before convening circle.
"Does anyone have any crimes?" asked Five Angry Inches.
"I've got something, I've got something!" Just Doesn't Get It cried.
"Yeah, I do," Can't Rush Anal stepped forward. "After all these divisions and all this rivalry, after trying to make everyone exist in peace and harmony with each other and unite under one cause and one purpose... after everything your hares have done for you tonight, organizing three places for you to consume alcohol, enjoy the scenery, and get the sticks out of your assholes... all that, and you still found reasons to try to one up each other and separate into factions."
"I did the shortest chicken trail, just saying," Tongueless's Penis whispered.
"And not one fucking drop of blood was spilled!" Can't Rush Anal finished. "I'm through with you dumbasses-- see you at the next underground MMA meet." She took off on her motorcycle into the night.
"Does anyone have anything to say about tonight's trail?" asked Tuna On Top after a moment of silence.
"I've got something, I've got something!" Just Doesn't Get It cried. He was drowned out by the boos and hisses of the pack united in their anger.
"Burn him! Burn him! Burn the hare!" Vagina Dentata stopped waving his fist when he noticed everyone had stopped yelling to stare at him. "I just wanted to fit in?"
"Does anyone have any announcements?" asked Five Angry Inches.
"I've got something, I've got something!" Just Doesn't Get It cried.
"There's a workday happening very soon, and the AGM is almost here," Hand Pump wiped a bit of sweat off his glasses. "Pay attention to the usual postings, et cetera, et cetera, I've well and truly gotten too old to hold your hands anymore.
"Anything else?" Tuna on Top waited for a second. "Fine. You." She nodded at Just Doesn't Get It.
"Behold," Just Doesn't Get It cried. "He who has gone has returned once more, leaving us but a child and returning a man. What was lost once is now found. What was pure has now been sullied. What was once a mystery has now been uncovered by the light of day and covered again by the cloak of night." He ducked away to reveal Just Enoch standing before the circle.
"What do you have to say for yourself, Prodigal Son?" asked Tuna on Top.
"I'm just plain lost," Just Enoch told them all.
"Aren't we all," Vagina Dentata replied, and the pack for once was united in agreement.