Welcome to Hash-tiques Roadshow, from San Francisco, California! Tonight we have treasures from across the City By The Bay, brought to you by locals and visitors alike. What treasures will be discovered tonight? Stay tuned!
San Francisco has been called home by many great hashers, including Cuming Mutha, who once mistook raccoon feces for a YBF, Hello Titties, who has been known to collect clippings from electronic newspapers, and Gloryhole, who still runs a rotary telephone that can only call a bunker in the Presidio. We'll take a look at the Presidio later on in the show, but for now, let's take a look at some of San Francisco's favorite hash treasures.
"Hi everyone, this is my wife and child," One and Done said sedately. Uber Luber was playing with the baby's toes, while Bloqueen was dodging a bit of spitup by diving into a bed of poison oak.
Excellent, you can really see the craftsmanship on this one. While most children are produced regularly and there is no scarcity driving up value, rare editions will command a higher price.
"I mean, they're both pretty priceless, you know?" One and Done coughed. "Completely changed my life, that's for sure."
It's great when our collectors feel that way, but we do have appraisers standing by to put a real number on the whole situation. Muff Daddy?
"Seven dollars!" Muff Daddy swallowed a pork rind. "Oh, but you're not drinking? Eh, nevermind."
Well Muff Daddy has put a lower number out there, but sometimes times the real value is in the eye of the beholder.
"That's what I said... wait, did you want to buy my kid?" One and Done trailed off as he was dragged offset by Sleazy.
A thump resounded in the background, and Titty Boo Boo swaggered forward. "What do you think of this little number?"
Our next collector has brought a valuable item from his private collection. It appears to be... a large wooden stump?
"Watch, you can see trail if you stand on top of it. Some of us aren't like the Pussy brothers, Can't Eat Pussy and Eat My Pussy, willing to hare off at the faintest whiff of a mark. Light-weight, transportable, guaranteed to elevate your viewing platform an entire foot when used correctly."
Sometimes items on our show can have a very niche market.
"Cum Test Dummy has already sold five of them branded with the SFH3 logo. She carved that out with a bottle opener, so you know it's quality. Humpy Slowcum brought two, but I think he was hoping for a hidden stash of shrooms."
Well, we wish you the best on your business ventures, sir. And over here on our left, we have Joe from Atlanta. Joe, what have you brought for us tonight?
"Can't you see it's a cake?"
A unique opportunity for appraisal, most of our items featured aren't quite so biodegradable. What's on the cake, Joe?
"It says 'Puberty!'" Just Doesn't Get It's high pitch resounded through the room.
"It's supposed to say Liberty!" Joe huffed out.
"It does! It does say Puberty!" Cockamole pointed, jumping up and down.
"It tastes like cake!" Joe replied.
"What did you do, draw that with a stick and some bird droppings?" asked Closet Twitcher. "I've seen a lot of bird droppings in my day, you know."
"Just have some beer with it, and you won't even notice," Hand Pump advised.
"It's a cake! It's free!" Joe explained, and dropped the cake onto the trunk of the car in the next stall over.
You never know what you'll find at the Hash-tiques Road Show, and some travel far and wide to see it. Over here we have Geordi La Foreskin and The Young and The Restless, traveling all the way from New York City. Have you seen anything that caught your eye tonight?
"We saw this figure passing through the night, never slowing, never ceasing, pushing forward into the darkness like a missile streaking through the barren wilderness until it reached its final destination to fulfill its purpose." Geordi answered.
"They said it was Mary Tyler Whore. I think there was beer nearby," The Young and The Restless added.
"Oh, and this dude tried to buy CPA's flashlight, but all he had for sale was women's underwear," Geordi added. "You should appraise that stuff next."
Duly noted. At any rate, to wrap up tonight's show, we have One Night Only--
"Cut! Cut!" Cream Throat Willie called out. "That's a wrap."
"Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Not fucking yet, sir!" Cosmo wagged a finger. "No credits until we get to the credit for the pièce de résistance ." Cream Throat rolled his eyes.
While they're hashing that out, tonight we have One Night Only here with a very special item indeed.
"Why yes, I have a trail for you tonight of excellent character and quality. You can see from the patina that it is circa 2019, and the markings are still quite clear for its age!"
"I could barely see anything!" Bierectional muttered in the background.
"Not unusual," Fix Her Up Her groaned.
"It should be quite simple and easy to follow." One Night Only continued, kicking at Fucker as he coughed and raised an eyebrow. "You can see there are seven checks, because you made me put seven there."
I don't know what you are talking about--
"I only saw five!" Fuck Buddy piped up.
"I had three at most!" Muppet Dick and Dickweed called out in unison. "Twinsies!"
"What's a check?" asked Just Jim.
"And trail should have been very straightforward," One Night Only added.
"Except for the circlejerk," Three Fingers groaned.
"But it was a straightforward circlejerk," One Night Only explained.
"Makes sense to me," Tuna on Top shrugged.
"And there's plenty of beer and orange food here and at the on after," One Night Only said. "What could be more valuable than that?"
"She has a point," Orieanal Express nodded, and Peekaboobie shrugged.
"On out!" cried Bush and A Rack.
Well with that, this is Do Her Well signing off from sunny San Francisco... oh shit, I think I jinxed it guys. Sorry. Roll credits.