"Hear ye! Hear ye! An announcement!" The crier waited for silence. "Ahem. So it is written... When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation."
"I didn't think trails had gotten that bad," Do Her Well muttered. Cream Throat Willy rolled his eyes, while Wee Wee hushed her.
"Ahem. As I was saying... We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men--"
"But what about the women?" asked My Little Spermaid.
"We'll get to that, we'll get to that," whispered Tuna on Top. "Shhh."
"Well I don't see it being addressed, is all," grumbled My Little Spermaid. "I'm just pointing out what I see."
"We've got plenty of women," Dildo Baggins replied.
"Oh, so you're counting?" Cum Test Dummy challenged him.
"Of course not, I can't count, I'm a hasher," Dildo Baggins answered serenely.
"Anyway..." the crier puffed up his chest. "All men..."
"And women," The Perfect Woman inserted.
"And women--" allowed the crier "are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator"
"A likely story," Bloqueen harrumphed.
"With certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
"And beer," Hand Pump added.
"And running through the woods," Queen chimed in.
"And up and down endless stairs by the beach," added Fucker.
"Until your knees give out," Dickweed grumbled.
"And you get poison oak," Tonya Hardon smiled.
"And you get an erection," added CPA.
"Come again?" Eat My Pussy's eyes widened.
"Especially if it's dark outside and you're lost and someone yells at you that you are trespassing and can't you read the sign and of course I can't, I'm blind." Golden Snoball finished triumphantly.
"That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men--"
"And women!" piped up Red Hot Vagina.
"No, no, that means the rules don't apply to us," Cunty Butler whispered. "I can do what I want. I can lactate into Do Her Well's mouth if I want to."
"Tell us more," Muff Daddy giggled.
"Deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,"
"Consent!" cheered Now I Know My STDs and Five Angry Inches.
"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government,"
"Sounds like a great idea!" Vagina Dentata cried. "Starting with new GMs!"
"You tried that last week," Just Get It Over With whispered to him. "Give it a month or so."
"laying its foundation..."
"I'll have you know that Deadbeat laid that part of the trail," Gobble My Ass raised a finger.
"On such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
"You had me up until the Safety," One And Done sighed.
"If we can't count on getting tetanus from climbing over an old rock pile into a National Cemetery, is life really worth living?" asked Shaft.
"I'll take the PO," Masterbaster replied.
"And the six miles of being lost," Wrinklepecker agreed.
"My grandma was named Prudence," Backside Banger smiled. "Damn fine woman."
"She sure was," agreed John Handcock.
"indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes;"
"Does that mean I'm still GM?" Vagina Dentata asked.
"YES!" chorused Millimeter Peter, Cum Guzzling Cockaholic, and Humpy Slowcum.
"and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed."
"Example-- East Bay trails," Sperm Donor advised while Fertilize Her nodded.
"But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies"
"Wait a minute," Can't Eat Pussy held up a hand. "Colonies... what colonies?"
"Shit, shit, shit," Bierectional rushed forward. "I totally filled out the form for the motivational speaker wrong. It had 1700s in teensy weensy font next to 'Patriotic Speech.'"
"You should have seen what he ordered for the wedding centerpieces," Fix Her Up Her muttered.
"Could have been worse," Cheese Turd added. "Could have been a Tom Brady fan." Muppet Dick nodded.
"I have something to say about serving one's country," Jack The Ripper raised a hand, Just David at his side. He paused for a moment. "I need a beer."
"And?" Dick Simmons prompted.
"No, that was it," Jack The Ripper explained.
"Cheers!" Chicken Bone Her toasted them, clinking glasses with Cuming Mutha, and off they all went into the darkness.