My Little Spermaid's stomach growled as she caught sight of the insulated tubs that she knew were full of potato-y goodness. "Sun's gone, spuds' gone," she told Fertilize Her, but Hand Pump harrumphed and gathered the pack together for chalk talk instead of dolloping out the treat they were all waiting for. Vagina Dentata adjusted his cranium lamp, nodded to Hoseblower, and went with Tuna on Top to hunt down a virgin vest for Bush And A Rack's friend.

 

 

 

Across the street, Red Hot Vagina's car skidded over a curb and narrowly missed Lois Lame.

 

 

 

The pack, despite all attempts to be run over by a passing car and win some sweet insurance money, listened attentively to chalk talk and took off into immediate disarray.

 

 

 

Vagina Dentata, not one to immediately solve trail correctly, waited for Hand Pump to send Muff Daddy, Cockulus Oculus, On All Fours, Backwash, and the rest of the walkers' crew to set him straight. It was a fine night for some trail, some potatoes, and absolutely no beer, because Vagina Dentata was nothing if not a masochist.

 

 

 

Trail was absolutely as expected, if one had gone to Gypsies last Thursday, and the entire crew soon found themselves on the other end of the school sipping Moscow Mules.

 

 

 

"Wow, would you look at that!" Vagina Dentata nearly quivered in his excitement. Dickass Mother Fucker raised an eyebrow and kept going, knowing where his belly would be full.

 

 

 

"The WYD option had a few WTF moments," Eat My Pussy exclaimed in the background. "I was circling as if in an infinite loop, and not even Gingervitis was there to be my knight in shining armor."

 

"It's true, I am usually a slut for glitter," Gingervitis confirmed.

 

 

 

"Well if Just Doesn't Get It could figure it out..." Shaft shrugged.

 

 

 

Vagina Dentata paid them no mind, instead diving into the bushes and unearthing, of all things, a toothbrush.

 


"Can you believe it!" he gasped at Stinky Floss. "The very eve of our naming-versary, and I am yet again bestowed with the presence of tooth protection!"

 

 

 

"You're a regular dental detector," she agreed before diving in for the bacon.

 

 

 

Behind them, Red Hot Vagina let out a yelp as she fell over the chain stretched taut in the darkness. "Are you okay?" Just Get It Over With helped her up.

 

 

 

Cockamole and Do Her Well were pouring out down downs. "It's a real blast from the past!" Vagina Dentata grinned as he dove into the stash of cookies.

 

 

 

"Too bad there's no hummus," Puke Caroline sighed orgasmically. "What I wouldn't do for some finely ground and oiled chickpeas."

 

 

 

"Tell me more," Dickweed leaned in.

 

 

 

Vagina Dentata stepped forward to dive into the conversation, but his foot hit a slippery spud peel, sending his legs out from under him. Everything went black.

 

 

 


***

 

 

 

"Sun's gone, spuds' gone," My Little Spermaid's voice sounded too loud in Vagina Dentata's ears.

 

 

 

"Shit! Look out!" Vagina Dentata screamed as waving headlights shocked him into action. He ran into the street, causing Red Hot's car to careen into Lois Lame. Bitch's Bitch was at her side in moments.

 

 

 

"Oh, that'll buff out," remarked Udder Moron.

 

 

 

Lois Lame popped up to the cheers of the group, who were all very careful to stay away from the street thereafter. Vagina Dentata, discombobulated, set out with the pack only to find himself on the top of Mount Davidson.

 

 

 

"I didn't think you'd be in for the Who's Your Daddy option," Fucker remarked, passing him. "Good for you! Not even Who's Your Daddy was game."

 

 

 

"Oh thank god!" Eat My Pussy cried out. "It feels like I've been circling around for days."

 

 

 

"Huh," Vagina Dentata shrugged, rubbing his cranium. "Does this seem familiar to you?"

 

 

 

"That's what I was saying," Eat My Pussy huffed before disappearing into the darkness.

 

 

 

What he found at the beer check was almost enough to make Vagina Dentata break his sobriety. "Still here," he muttered, stuffing the toothbrush into his pocket.

 

 

 

"You sure are," Stinky Floss agreed as she went over to the potato table.

 

 

 

"And you're doing down downs?" Vagina Dentata asked Do Her Well.

 

 

 

"Well, maybe, if, you know, someone wanted me to, I guess I could--- OF COURSE." Do Her Well ran off.

 

 

 

Just Get It Over With patted him on the shoulder as she moved to stand in front of the chain.

 

 

 

"Let me tell you about my favorite garbanzo bean recipe," Puke Caroline was murmuring sweet nothings. Muppet Dick and Fix Her Up Her leaned closer, while Circle Jerk was almost on a higher plane of existence.

 

 

 

Vagina Dentata backed away slowly, only to find himself on the edge of Glen Park Canyon, plummeting down the hillside.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

"Sun's gone, spuds' gone..."

 

 

 

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Vagina Dentata sat down on the pavement.

 

 

 

"Are we doing primal screaming?" Dick Simmons wondered. "I hear it's therapeutic."

 

 

 

"They had us do that on the yoga retreat part of my vacation," Just Dmitri told Bierectional and Just Serg.

 

 

 

"Was that before or after all the gay sex?" Bierectional asked.

 

 

 

"During," Just Dmitri revealed.

 

 

 

"I'm going to just stay with the walkers," Vagina Dentata decided. "To be extra safe."

 

 

 

"That's good, you can carry the kid," Backside Banger declared.

 

 

 

"He's only in the 99th percentile for his age," advised Roman Showers.

 

 

 

"That's perfectly fine. Perfectly fine," Vagina Dentata nodded vehemently to himself. "Do you all notice anything unusual?"

 

 

 

"Like what?" Six Tits a Week asked.

 

 

 

"It's kind of unusual that Sir Menage A Lot has a commercial pilot's license," Can't Rush Anal pointed out. "Do you think he's planning to sell us off?"

 

 

 

"My legs are unusually sore," Princess Slut pointed out.

 

 

 

"Didn't you go on some sort of orienteering expedition?" Wash This Asshole asked.

 


"Unusually," Princess Slut agreed.

 

 

 

"Hey, who's that stranger?" Vagina Dentata asked when they approached the beer van. He leaned down to pick up the toothbrush, almost out of habit.

 

 

 

"Umm, his name's Fuzzy Cosmo," Do Her Well popped out from the darkness. "He's a visitor. Why, do you know anything?"

 

 

 

"Does he seem weird or abnormal or odd or anything like that?"

 

 

 

"He's a hasher..." Do Her Well trailed off.

 

 

 

"Fair enough." Vagina Dentata sighed as he watched the crowd milling around. He almost went over to Just Get It Over With standing in front of the chain, but what could she do to help? It didn't seem like anyone else knew what was what.

 

 

 

"So about these falafels that I had once... I just popped those balls in my mouth one after another," Puke Caroline was saying.

 

 

 

Vagina Dentata didn't move, but that didn't solve anything when Allahu Aqbark crashed through the darkness into him, dragging Masterbaster along in his wake.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

"Sun's gone, spuds' gone..."

 

 

 

Vagina Dentata stood far to the side of the pack, arms crossed against his chest.

 

 

 

"Hey there, long time no see!" Skid Mark waved.

 

 

 

"Mmmm," Vagina Dentata agreed.

 

 

 

"Looks like a fine night," Gloryhole nodded at him.

 

 

 

"Hmmm," Vagina Dentata nodded back.

 

 

 

He stood there as the pack took off, Dick Tracy's Pussy shining her light on Rectology and Tongueless's Penis. He stood there in the cold, as the wind howled around him. And he stood there as they all gathered back in place, steam rising off the hot food.

 

 

 

An elderly gentleman picked his way over the pavement, bending down and poking into the darkness with vision that defied his age. "That's the ticket!" he muttered, stuffing a toothbrush into his pocket. "And a good night to you, yes sir," he nodded to Vagina Dentata, and was off.

 

 

 

Vagina Dentata made his over to Just Doesn't Get It, standing in front of the chain. Red Hot Vagina smiled at them as she passed towards the food and beer. Uniballer huffed out of the darkness. "There was something weird going on with my GPS! It said I ran 14 miles but all I was trying to do was get here from BART!"

 

 

 

"You never know with technology," Just Get It Over With agreed with him.

 

 

 

"Whew!" Ultrahead was right behind him. "So sorry to be late! I kept running into one thing after another. It was almost like the universe was keeping me from here!"

 

 

 

"How strange," Just Get It Over With shook her head.

 

 

 

Vagina Dentata watched her figure disappear into the crowd, then he looked at the chain, at Red Hot Vagina, and back at Just Get It Over With.

 

 

 

"You? You! You knew!" he stuttered out.

 

 

 

"Yep," Just Get It Over With smiled minutely.

 

 

 

"But why didn't you tell me to leave the goddamn toothbrush alone?"

 

 

 

"Some things you just have to figure out for yourself, Toto," she replied. "Now come on, I want some of that hot hummus action."

 

 

 

The End