"There are charters with amazing guests who are easy-going and relaxed, where everything flows smoothly," Gingervitis looks straight into the camera. "That's not this charter."
The scene outside the yacht is chaotic, with guests milling around, CPA already toasting John Handcock with a glass of champagne. Cosmo is sunning herself in a bikini, while Muppet Dick and Humpy Slowcum are already amping themselves up for the planned cliff-diving excursion later. Eat My Pussy, dressed in his whites, is busily assembling his crew while trying to hide the blood dripping off of his fingers.
"Are you okay?" Mary Tyler Whore lowers her sunglasses and studies him from underneath the brim of her wide hat.
"Of course I am!" Eat My Pussy snaps at her. "... Ma'am."
The camera cuts to Hand Pump, already with a hand over his face. "I've been with some great crews over the years-- Gobble My Ass practically drives the boat herself some days-- but this lot? I don't think they'd know their ass from a hole in the ground."
"Sometimes Captain Hand Pump gets a bit... particular," Gingervitis reveals in his confessional. "But I know what he really wants." He winks.
"Docking fees! Docking fees!" Muff Daddy pauses to snicker under his breath. "I need the docking fees!"
"I thought you took care of that!" Eat My Pussy whispers to Tuna on Top, who goes off to pull Muff Daddy away from the guests, who are studying him uncertainly.
"Okay, gang!" Gingervitis steps up. "Today we have a wonderful excursion planned for you, taking you to all the local sights and into some really hidden gems. After that, you'll be back here for dinner and drinks later, and then we'll take you to mingle with the locals. Any questions?"
"What is the velocity of an unladen swallow?" Cuming Mutha calls out.
"How do you fix a broken speedometer?" asks Can't Rush Anal. "Mine keeps saying 200 miles per hour."
"Does anyone know whose virgin this is?" shouts Wee Wee.
"Will the steak be Waygu tonight?" Fucker demands.
"Very good." Gingervitis pastes a big grin over his face. "Just follow Just Doesn't Get It that way, you won't go wrong."
Once the group is off, Gingervitis leans against Hello Titties. "Thank god they're gone, I thought my mouth was going to get stuck that way. Tragic. Won't you help me with dinner prep?" Hello Titties begins to pull open bags of chips.
Eat My Pussy, in contrast, is so red that it looks like their tour is based in the Caribbean, not San Francisco. "No, not that way!" he shouts as Millimeter Peter zigs. "Ah, your other left!" he groans as Bloqueen zags.
Do Her Well's ringtone sends shudders down EMP's spine. "All going well?" her voice sounds tinny through the phone, as if she is in a large, echo-y building.
"Oh, just fine," he reassures her, gritting his teeth as Bierectional nearly falls off of the cliff face they are traversing. Skid Mark and Just Dmitri had seemed fine ziplining down the hillside, but he is starting to have doubts about Jack The Ripper, and Dick Simmons' camera is all too ready to capture the evidence.
"I had my doubts when booking this group through you again," Do Her Well's voice contains a note of caution. "But Hoseblower's social media is blowing up with how much fun he is having, and I've already gotten calls from some of Bush And A Rack's friends for more bookings. Great job!"
"Oh, er, thanks!" Eat My Pussy cringes as Dick Ass Mother Fucker nearly collides with Rectology.
"Just remember that Sperm Donor is celebrating his birthday, and he needs some special entertainment. And it can't just be Just Get It Over With flashing the crowd." Do Her Well continues, oblivious to EMP's distress.
"Err, right. On it." EMP hangs up and scrolls through his contacts, past Just Doesn't Get It and Masterbaster (although the dog might be a crowd pleaser), pausing at Vagina Dentata before landing finally on one name.
"I need a favor," he says, before hanging up and disappearing off into the distance on the tinder.
"The guests are waiting," Gingervitis says leadingly. "Can I let them into the main salon?"
"I guess you'd better," EMP agrees, hauling open the door so Gloryhole, On All Fours, and Dickweed can spill inside. The crowd grows quickly, grateful for the respite from the cold wind. Cum Test Dummy and Fix Her Up Her lounge in the chairs, while Three Fingers perches himself on some boxes that are only slightly moldy.
"And now, for the feature event!" Gingervitis sails through in a cape, dropping it to the side to reveal Cream Throat Willie.
"Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" Cream Throat shouts.
"I'd rather you pull it out of your pants!" The Uniballer replies.
"That trick never works," groans My Little Spermaid.
But despite the rowdy nature of the guests, soon all are singing and nodding along, Circle Jerk nodding to the music with Shaft at his side, while One and Done enjoys his beer.
In the background, knocking can be heard, growing louder and louder slowly.
"I'm going to eat his ass for dinner," mutters Hand Pump as he makes his way inside.
"Captain Hand Pump!" cheers Wash This Asshole, as Just Serg tries to hand him a drink.
"Locked out of my own boat," Hand Pump mutters, but pastes a big grin on his face and nods at Backwash and Fix Her Up Her. "Good evening ladies."
"Let's get this show on the road," Hand Pump tells Gingervitis, who nods and amps the music up, clapping his hands to the rhythm. The entire group begins to dance together before pouring out the door onto the pier and into the night.
"Some days you get more than you give," Hand Pump says grimly to the crew the next morning. "And some days the pendulum swings the other way. The tip, this time, was less than substantial..." He doles out thin envelopes to the group.
"I even held their hair back!" hisses Gingervitis, before stomping off to his bunk.