SFH3 Run #2066: The Christmas Lights Run
: 12/20/2021
: Front and Union
: One Night Only
: Do Her Well


Abstract: The hash house harrier (Hashus moderinucus) is a moderately sized sexually promiscuous mammal observed in a variety of climes worldwide. While many attempts to document the behavioral habits of the hash house harrier have been made through the years, such documentation has been patchy and subject to bias. Utilizing novel recording technologies and advances in language translation systems, we document a lush of hash house harriers during an evening of socialization rituals. We observed the ritualized induction systems of the cohort, including two of their naming ceremonies. We find that many previously documented patterns of the harrier do not adhere to consistent methods and are not bounded by concepts of logic or necessity. Finally, we identified that the evening shelter of the harrier is interspersed within urban housing, and thus the harrier may be difficult, if not impossible, to distinguish from their Homo sapiens neighbors.

 

The San Francisco hash house harriers are a moderately sized and long-standing lush localized in the Bay Area. Though some San Francisco harriers remain resident within the city boundaries, the majority may be found interspersed within other Bay Area lushes, and a smaller cohort frequently may be found as far as Los Angeles, New York, Seattle, and even further abroad.

While past publications such as Nout et al. have provided some insight into harrier biology and behavior, most research has not progressed beyond observation of harrier locations. Controversially, it has been suggested that harrier researchers may lose objectivity following prolonged harrier contact. Therefore, all study of the San Francisco harriers was conducted through remote viewing processes.

The harriers were observed gathering during a cold evening near the waterfront. Much discussion of the location was made by a mature harrier named Rocky Mountain Oyster, though most of the lush seemed to home almost instinctually to the white van that particularly distinguishes the San Francisco harriers. Hand Pump had adorned the vehicle with bright lights, which some of the lush had also chosen to wear. While it is common in mammals for decoration to be used within the context of a mating ritual, no discernable sexual congress could be identified.

The lush gathered around One Night Only, who had chosen the nesting site of the harriers for that evening. Do Her Well led a thorough interrogation of One Night Only prior to the group departure, which seemed to excite Just Doesn't Get It so much that he confused a flock of geese flying overhead with his whistling. The lush departed and immediately became flummoxed in the parking lot, with only a few of the cohort separating from the huddling mass.

The harriers segregated themselves into two cohorts by speed, with some such as Bloqueen and Just Isaac running quickly down the Embarcadero, while Ocean Spray and Muff Daddy ambled slowly in the opposite direction with a small group. Interestingly, it seems that the harriers were able to follow some scent or pattern leading in a consistent direction, as Joe Pubic Perm and Gloryhole both rounded the same set of corners towards North Beach despite not being in sight of each other.

Past research had speculated that the purpose of the harriers' run was to display fitness to gauge whether a mate was appropriate, but most of the harriers separated from one another during the course of the run. Just Julie did not even arrive at the nesting site before the groups' departure, putting this hypothesis under serious doubt. Others have proposed that the harriers' course is necessary to locate food and other resources, however the harriers were only observed taking sustenance from the same van that had been located at their start! During the course of the run, Hand Pump relocated the van to Coit Tower, forcing all, including Hoseblower and Whorchata, to make great efforts to reach a source of energy.

While some such as Miss Delivery seemed to take enjoyment from the scenic location, Crabs swiftly queried the group to see who was perturbed and angered by the night's events. It seemed that everyone had at least one complaint, ranging from the lack of garbage and needles (Dick Ass Mother Fucker), the presence of IPAs (RMO), the lack of a good old-fashioned reading to warm one's cockles (The Other Bastard and Just Fuck Off), and too much positivity (Mary Tyler Whore).

Much of the traditional documented harrier behavior seemed to be abandoned by the cohort on that night. The ritual of circle, overseen by Crabs, took place with a lot of mumbling and groaning instead of the typical reverential silence. Cranium wear, while usually forbidden, was suddenly allowed after the tenth beverage consumed by Whoratio. Two naming ceremonies were conducted-- Just Pete re-emerged as Famous Anus because he lost his cookies at Snoball. Just Isaac was declared Boner Marrow after trying to sell organs under the table to Do Her Well.

Finally, at the end of the ritual, the group separated, with some of the cohort selecting a local bar to partake from. Dick Simmons was observed with his own photography equipment, and he appeared to take pictures of our hidden devices. While we were not able to thoroughly trace the cohort, it appeared many had residences in local buildings and condominiums.

These findings prove groundbreaking for our understanding of the hash house harrier biology. First, many assumptions regarding the drivers of harrier behavior are clearly unfounded-- the harriers have a robust understanding of economical transactions, less rigorous attention to ritual than was once assumed, and adapt to consume resources broadly (i.e. at local bars). The harrier, while once assumed to be a distinguishable species readily identifiable from its surroundings, may be capable of even greater camouflage than the Bro or the Frat Boy. Likely harriers are endemic within the urban environment, and may even be present in suburban or rural locales. Study of the harrier should proceed with utmost caution until their full capabilities are recognized.