The scene was this: It was a foggy San Francisco Monday evening, much like the Monday night before. Jack the Ripper stood before the group, swiffer in one hand, flour bag in another, and in his third (don't ask where) was a deep, abiding distaste for mankind. The pack milled around unheeding, Just Mark gleeful to be free of the confines of normal athleticism, Dick First Ass Up grateful for unexpected flowing beer, Cheese Turd the scorned hare-amour in the corner. Sperm Bank introduced herself as a new victim to the group, and Muff Daddy was quick to lighten her purse. Dildo Baggins greeeted Peekabooby and Muppet Dick with a smile, and Dick Ass found a stash of orange food to dig into.
But the spirits turned swiftly as they saw the fearful gleam in Jack's eye.
"Scatter!" yelled Do Her Well in warning, but it was far too late, for the dreadful Swiffer had already lanced across her brow, and she fell without further sound, breathing her last. Weiner I Am scampered off, but Jack was too clever, and had twisted him around in an exact circle just to trip his feet to bring him down. Gobble My Ass darted left, but was caught in a deep bush, and not even John Handcock could go in far enough to save her. Pepe Le Poop found himself bayonetted on the handle, and Stinky Floss laid down to save herself (and Jack) the trouble.
One Night Only's patriotic legs were not enough to stave Jack off, and The Perfect Woman was only perfect for one thing. Bush and A Rack found the implement of her destruction in her nom de guerre, while Just Doesn't Get It finally got one thing he never wanted.
As Tongueless's Penis would tell you, Jack's wiles were endless, and he lured his victims slowly and steadily away from their true trail. Cosmopolitits might have found solace in her last view of the bay, but Cockamole's grin couldn't hide the fear in her slowly closing eyes.
As the last remaining two hashers, Hand Pump and E=MC Fucked begged and pleaded for Jack's mercy, and with a subtle nod he allowed them to fight for survival via the oldest trial-- the noble Thumb War.
After a prolonged battle, Hand Pump emerged the victor. Jack immediately slayed them both.
And what, might you ask, did Jack do with the bodies? Well, his name was Jack...