Vagina Dentata And The Quest for the Holy Trail
A young Vagina Dentata stands in empty streets, flour bag in hand. The wind rustles, his feet sit tired in worn shoes. Somewhere out there, one mile away as the crow flies but eight miles away as Vagina Dentata does, the hounds begin their chase.
It's a hound of another type that leaps up suddenly and snatches the nearly full sack. Vagina Dentata does not react until it is far too late, and the dog disappears around the corner with a last wag of the tail.
The corner stores are shut and empty, the trail ends in the middle of the Mission. Vagina Dentata stares forlornly into the distance, turns, and walks home slowly.
Act I- Many Days Later
Vagina Dentata stands in before the assembled group, chalk in hand. He pauses thoughtfully, waiting for the last whispers to finally die down.
"Hashing is a search for beer," he looks at Bloqueen, alert directly in front of him. "If you think it is searching for trail, try Do Her Well's Geocaching class next door. Forget any ideas you have about getting your elevation gain in, being an FRB, of winning the hash. We do not follow maps to the keg, and BN never, ever marks the beer check."
Just Get It Over With taps on his shoulder and hands him a folded slip of paper. A whistle resounds through the air, and Just Doesn't Get It takes off with half of the pack.
Vagina Dentata passes the note to Muff Daddy and strokes his chin. "This is it, Muff Daddy. They're off. They're off on the quest for the Holy Trail."
"Is this where I take the walkers?" Muff Daddy tries to unfold the piece of paper but it starts to rip in half from the soaked in sweat.
"Many men have tried to find it and failed. I can see them now, across Duboce, Three Fingers dodging cars and EMP diving down stairs. A wind blows across a deserted alleyway, and the tall feline statues cast their shadows on Cookies and Cum as she passes. They shall have many miles to travel and many tests to pass before they may lay their gaze on the sacred keg that holds the beer this evening."
"I'll ask Hand Pump," Muff Daddy wandered off.
"I must be off as well!" Vagina Dentata nodded at Backwash and On All Fours, and then he galloped into the distance.
Act II- Many Miles Later
Dick Simmons ducked, hearing voices approach. He pulled Queen down beside him.
"What is it?" Queen whispered. "Police? NIMBYs?"
"Tourists," Dick Simmons said. "Best to blend in." He held his camera aloft and strode forth carefully. "Ah! What a wonderful view of the Painted Ladies! I imagine I'll be in Fisherman's Wharf any minute, probably right around the corner. Ha ha."
"Would you like me to take your picture?" offered a passerby.
"Eh! Sure?" Dick Simmons pulled Boner Marrow in front of him. One And Done slowed to a halt as well, looking around uncertainly.
"No worries, this is child's play," Vagina Dentata gathered the group together in front of the scenic backdrop. "Say Beer!" he yelled.
"Cider!" yelled Tonya Hardon and Five Angry Inches simultaneously. "Jinx!"
And in seconds they had disappeared, leaving Vagina Dentata to watch the sun set. "I'll see them again," he said to himself. "Like a bad penny, hashers always turn up."
Act III- Many Many Miles Later
Muppet Dick raised his hands in supplication as the trail trudged steadily upward. Queen and Dickweed had disappeared from sight, and surely they had made the wrong choice. He stared at the letters in front of him, falling backwards suddenly as his footing gave way.
"There has to be a trick. There has to be a trick." His breath grew slower as he paced, and then his eyes lit up. "Oh! I'm an idiot. In Latin..." His feet began moving forward more and more steadily. "In Latin, tough begins with a T!"
Act IV- Many Many Many Miles Later
The light had grown dim, but Cum Test Dummy's feet moved ever forward. "Impossible," she muttered to herself. "Only at a leap from the lion's crown shall the harriette find her beer. That's what Crabs told me."
She could hear the feet of Jizzard and Motormount behind her, spurring her to go even faster. Down the Jupiter steps she ran, knowing if she did not find the beer fast, all may be drunk.
"Crown... crown... Corona!" she rounded the corner and found the stairs, ascending faster and faster. The light flooded her eyes as she summitted, and at last Hand Pump faced her.
"Which tap is it?" she asked him, uncertain.
"That I cannot tell you," he said. "You must choose, but choose wisely. Because the true Keg will give you life, but last week's keg is going flat. Also, there's cider and sodas in the cooler." He walked away to talk to Fuck Buddy.
Act V- The Beer Check
The air is filled with gasping breaths and moans. Cool Handjob Luke leaned on the side of the van, sipping gratefully at the nectar in his vessel. King of Bedbugs looked on as the beer slowly restored life back to Cuming Mutha and drew the pain from the injured virgin's ankle. Gobble My Ass smiled at him, as if to say 'We did it!'
"Wait!" A rumbling sound resounded through the parking lot. Hand Pump held his arm outstretched, eyes on Rock Paper Strippers as he is poised halfway between the beer van and the parking lot exit. A rock bounced down from the side of the mountain.
"I warned you," Hand Pump cautioned. "And you didn't listen. You can't leave the beer check. At least, not until the hare has set the On In!"
Act VI- Circle
Hoseblower ambled over to Tricrapylete and clinked their mugs together. "Looks like we made it out of this one ok." They watched as Squeal 4 Me tried on his new Happi Coat.
"Some redemption, huh?" Vagina Dentata bragged to Stinky Floss, who shrugged.
"What happened to your trail map?" she asked. "Isn't it some sort of sacred artifact now?"
"What did happen to it?" he wondered aloud, eyes roaming across the crowd. He frowned when he saw a small white edge pointing out of Just Paul's pocket.
"Aha!" he yelled, pushing SeXXX-ray back from Just Paul and grabbing the paper, unfolding it with a dramatic flick of his wrist.
"It's your wallet!" Vagina Dentata accused, pulling Humpy Slocum forward. "He made the Sacred Trail Map into a mere wallet!"
The crowd circled around, attention captured. "That should be his name! Prison Wallet!" yelled someone from the back.
"I like Prison Wallet," said Just Paul.
"We named the dog Prison Wallet," Humpy Slocum retorted. "Sit back down."
"I've got a lot of fond memories of that dog," muttered Vagina Dentata.
"Ready?" Crabs looked at Humpy. He nodded back.
"May the Hash Go In Peace!"