Like sand through the hourglass, these are the days of our hash.
A branch slammed in the gusting wind. Sleazy stormed into the scene and fell into the side of the beer van, gasping with her hand over her forehead.
“Sleazy, Sleazy!” Cockamole cried out. “Sleazy, what’s the matter?”
“My co-hares— they’ve vanished!”
“Vanished!” Cockulus Oculus cried. “Where? What happened?”
“They were yachting on the lake,” Sleazy cast her hand towards the seemingly still waters of Spreckels Lake. “A sudden squall arose, and then they were gone.”
“Had they gotten the paternity test results back?” wondered Gloryhole.
“They had. But they were lost. With the boat.”
“We must carry on,” Hand Pump announced gravely. “It’s very important that the visitors don’t know what has happened— the legal proceedings could complicate the reading of the will, and the subsequent bequeefment.”
“The bequeefment...” murmured Cum Test Dummy and Slug.
“You’re right, of course,” Sleazy told him. “But who can help me set trail?”
At that, a strange figure came out of the bushes. “Humpy!” gasped Fucker, before fainting onto a sedan that had suddenly appeared.
"That's right, it's me, Humpy Slocum," the man said. "You may have thought that I had disappeared as a consequence of a bizarre drinking game years ago, but you would be wrong. That was just a rumor that Just Doesn't Get It started because he thought my cousin had stolen his flashlight. But my cousin actually turned out to be Crabs... who turned out to be my long-lost cousin, just from my mother's side!
"But what happened to the flashlight?" Muff Daddy wondered.
"We don't talk about that. But it is I who shall now save trail at the midnight hour, and also interrupt an unrelated wedding later in the evening." Humpy dashed into the distance.
"I think he might be going the wrong way," Sleazy frowned. But it was too late, the pack had already stumbled off into the distance.
"Checking!" yelled Do Her Well. "Tonya, wait!" But it was too late, Tonya had already fallen into the bison pit.
"I don't think trail goes that way," Five Angry Inches observed. "I mean, you can see the next three blobs of flour from right here."
"I'll save you!" Just Get It Over With was pacifying the bison with a tasty beverage. Tonya emerged from the fencing, miraculously unscathed and with not a hair out of place. "But none for you, Tonya, you're hooked-- to the back of the line for you!"
"You've hooked a lot of people today," Turbo Twat observed. "Got any good dirt to share?"
"Oh yes," Just Get It Over With settled in. "I saw Muppet Dick carrying a secret package on trail, which he was very careful to hide from me. Minor 69er is wearing a happi coat that does not belong to her. And Dick Simmons has been snapping pictures for the entire evening."
"Doesn't Dick Simmons always do that?" asked Shaft.
"Yes, except this time his camera has no film!" Just Get It Over With countered.
"I can't just stand here and leave Dick Simmons defenseless," Wash This Asshole stepped forward. "He's a good man, an honest man, and what is happening now is entirely my fault!"
"Wait!" On All Fours and Backwash came to his side. "We can't let you take all of this on by yourself. It's a truly rotten tale," On All Fours began, with Backwash nodding. "You wouldn't even believe it if we told it to you. Which we can only do right now, in this moment, and if not now, then never again."
A sudden wind came up, blasting the group with copious and endless amounts of sand. "Blech!" yelled Wash This Asshole. Having no other choice, the pack left them to scatter into the wind in search of beer and shelter. But the wiles of the hares continuously stumped them, as Rocky Bowel Movement ran in one direction and One and Done ran in another. Do Her Well ran in place, as that was as far as she could get with the wind.
"Finally!" Tuna sighed in relief as the beer van came into view. "I thought we were done for." Cuming Mutha toasted her, harrumphing in satisfaction.
"I'm afraid not all of us made it," Sticks and Dicks pointed out.
"I think Just Liz left on her own devices." Circle Jerk replied. Do Her Well stepped on his foot and glared. Circle Jerk coughed and continued, "Oh, right, Just Liz stole some prized jewelry from her mother's estate because they were going to be melted down into gold, and she had gotten them appraised but her appraiser was having an affair with the estate attorney's gardener, and so she had to return the jewelry so she could have it stolen a second time by someone with less of a conflict of interest." He thought for a second. "Well, the co-hares are still missing."
"Hey, look at what I found!" The Perfect Woman was pulling a set of papers out of the van.
"It's the paternity test!" Sleazy cried out.
"Not it!" Bloqueen put a finger on his nose.
"This means my co-hares must be alive!" Sleazy said triumphantly. "Those assholes!"
"You actually thought they died in that lake?" The Perfect Woman asked.
"You can't read it," One Night Only argued. "It would be better not to know."
"We must read it," Sleazy replied. "We have to understand what happened." She opened the pages carefully.
"It says... it says Just Jan is Farmer's Blow?" Sleazy frowned. "I don't understand."
"What's to understand?" Crabs asked, peering over her shoulder. "Oh look-- another page..."
In unison they roared out:
"BAY TO BLACKOUT!"