Incident Report: 5/06/19
To Whom It May Concern:
I am sure many of you are already aware of last Monday night’s occurrence, but I wanted to draft this note to make sure everybody was up to date. Now, we will be sending a formal letter out to all the children’s parents very shortly, but I wanted to thank you all personally in providing last minute assistance and not panicking—Muff Daddy, your calm under crisis was particularly inspiring, although we could do with a few less risqué jokes next time.
As you may be aware, we’ve been working with some new routes home recently, with Good Shit Lollicock and Fuck Norris working together to provide our latest stab at it. We’ve been trying to minimize driving time to keep the children from becoming too cranky, but maintaining our creativity so that those children who are particularly finicky (Cuming Mutha), don’t get bored. It’s been a struggle, to say the least.
Unfortunately last night’s driver, Hand Pump, found himself in a bit of a crisis when he realized the route had become, for lack of a better phrase, fucked up. We believe this is due to recent construction and also perhaps Muppet Dick and Bierectional screaming in his ear. The group became lost, with Mouth Down South refusing to get back on the bus, Just Doesn’t Get It and Udder Moron making spitballs, and Dick Simmons running away. Luckily he was located by Six Tits a Week later on in the night—keeping the children quiet and situated in case of an emergency is a topic for a longer, later letter.
At some point Hand Pump managed to get the group back on board after bribing Humpy Slowcum (that’s what Just Jeff is calling himself now) with a promise of ice cream and when Cosmopolitits, Five Angry Inches, Do Her Well and Cum Test Dummy were given Finisher’s Medals for sitting down in their seats. All was going great until Fucker talked Circle Jerk into trading his PB&J for some pretzels, but there were only two pretzels, so Circle Jerk demanded his sandwich back. But Fucker had already traded the sandwich with CPA for his game boy, and CPA had eaten the sandwich. At some point the Gameboy went out the window.
This started a riot, in which Dick Ass Mother Fucker lost a sock, Just Get It Over With started screaming at a very high pitch and wouldn’t stop, Pole Her Bare and Buck Fucka started giving each other cooties, and Hello Titties got his finger stuck in between two of the seatposts. Hand Pump was waving and yelling at all of the kids to sit down, and he had mostly been successful, but that was when the police showed up.
Luckily for us, it was the end of their shift, so Hand Pump convinced them that the fact that he had blown through two red lights and was swerving all over the road was only expected with this group of kids. Purple Pussy Eater and Millimeter Peter then let off a stinkbomb in the squad car, which may have helped his case.
The cops had some tequila stashed in their trunk, which worked really quickly to calm the group down, although Abusement Park took a couple of extra shots to get situated. We did get a call from Tonya Hardon’s mother later—apparently she prefers whisky, something to keep in mind for future mishaps.
We’re having Cockamole and Sir Menage a Lot review the incident more thoroughly over the next days, but we think this all can be traced to Wee Wee amping the kids up with too much sugar (apparently Franzia has quite a bit!). So we’d like to avoid that in the future. Purple Pussy Eater has some suggestions for alternatives that other districts like to use, and Vagina Dentata has offered to taste test some. So, to close, let’s all just be grateful that no one died.
Tuna on Top