"It's a glorious day at the height of summer, and the sun is shining on the fair racers at the San Francisco Hash House Harriers' Tour de Franzia, somewhere above all those layers of fog that is. I'm Cosmopolitits, and I am here with you live, broadcasting from the DMV with my cohost, Cockamole."
"It's certainly great to be back with you, Cosmo, I can barely wipe the grin off my face."
"And you won't have to, not with the share of action we'll have in store tonight. The return of the Tour is something awaited world wide, cancelled last year due to COVID, of course."
"Although, Weiner I Am, Mary Tyler Whore, and Tongueless's Penis all claim to have been solo champions during the lockdown..."
"There is certainly something to be said for the atmosphere of this group race. So, Cockamole, who is in contention tonight?"
"Well, we have Millimeter Peter defending his crown... er, shirt. But Three Fingers looks particularly prepared, and we can't entirely count out My Friends Are Coming On Me-- this is a team sport, remember."
"What do we have to anticipate from the course?"
"Tour Organizer Wee Wee has selected a challenging route once again for this year. There will be three separate stages, at the end of which the peloton must complete the finest vintage of Franzia that Safeway had to offer. But the overall winner is the fastest to touch Hand Pump-- with consent, of course-- at the beer check."
"And it looks like the action is getting started. Half of the peloton is appropriately on course, led by Weiner I Am, with Do Her Well and Fucker close behind. However Stinky Floss and Pepe Le Poop could practically smell the Franzia flowing through the bike lane, and only fools with cardboard signs would dare to take on the hash peloton when it starts rolling."
"Cosmo, it appears there is some type of incident on the course? I see Sir Menage a Lot and Humpy Slocum... sideways on a mechanical implement of some sort?"
"It's a stationary bicycle-- which, as our avid viewers would know, are strictly forbidden in the Tour."
"The penalty for mechanical doping will be steep-- even greater than expulsion."
"Yes, it appears that Wee Wee has adjusted the course sharply upward in response."
"That's bad news for our poor peloton, only halfway through their first bag at Alamo Square Park and already looking a bit peaky. Tuna on Top takes a brave sip, while Gobble My Ass readies her cup for another pour. Cum Test Dummy, not one to shy from a challenge, is already looking queasy."
"Yes, Cockamole, if it weren't for the sudden appearance of Jack the Ripper, it's not certain that the stage would have been completed. "
"But now the wine has been quaffed-- and Can't Eat Pussy's vigor has suddenly returned! He and Just Doesn't Get It are barreling up and over the hill towards Duboce Park, where a clever check by Wee Wee has led to some confusion by the peloton. Let's get a racer's perspective from Dick Simmons. Dick?"
"Ah, yes, yes, I just have to frame the shot. Wait one second. Oh, Hoseblower is running past me. Crabs is running just behind, no Crabs, don't kick the camera. Oh."
"Thank you, Dick Simmons. Cosmo, it seems like there has been some sort of delay with part of the peloton?"
"Yes, Do Her Well, Dick Ass Mother Fucker, and Circle Jerk all have been delayed by the train, which of course race participants have to respect... ah, well, they have to not get killed by it at least."
"Now the pack is circling Corona Heights, alighting upon the second stage finish with great trepidation."
"Yes, Muppet Dick and Five Angry Inches are doing their best, but even Just Get It Over With would finish a glass faster at this point. Oh, oh dear."
"What is it, Cosmo?"
"Well, although perfectly in line with the rules, what we are viewing now is not appropriate for our cameras to capture. Do Her Well is not at her finest, spilling entire gallons of Franzia upon her crotch. Hoseblower, god help him, if he weren't already blind he would be now. Show Me Your Anus is cowering in fear, and Millimeter Peter has climbed a tree. Only Vagina Dentata might be proud."
"Well something has lit a fire under John Handcock's ass, as he has taken off with Gobble My Ass right on his heels. Five Angry Inches and Weiner I Am are close behind, as the course directed them upward and over Mount Olympus. Don't be fooled, ladies and gentlemen, it is not Wee Wee's clever route marking that has the group weaving back and forth."
"Cockamole, only the strong will survive this route, going upwards and yon towards Tank Hill while yet another bag of Franzia awaits. The peloton seems optimistic, the effects of alcohol fully felt as Hoseblower teeters ten feet above the ground on a crumbling rock, and the only thing visible from the rest of the peloton is their backsides. This is the quickest stop yet, the group is doing negative splits on the bags, and now Pepe Le Poop, John Handcock, Can't Eat Pussy and Gobble My Ass are plummeting downwards toward the finish."
"Sleazy, Dildo Baggins, PeekaBooby, and Udder Moron are cheering them on from the finish-- or at least, Sleazy is. And at the line, it's John Handcock!"
"What a finish, what a fantastic end to a dearly missed Tour. Muff Daddy is forcing a squirming John Handcock into his sweaty jersey, the jersey of a champion. He looks so happy... and possibly like he might be sick."
"Well, there you have it folks, we have finished yet another year of the Tour de Franzia. With Cosmopolitits, I am Cockamole, telling you to drink your Pedialyte and eat something besides orange food. Good night, and On On!"